So I Waterboarded my 1yr old yesterday, and…

Aww man it was great! Effective? Hell yeah it was! What? Illegal? Child abuse? What are you talking about?! Shit, I had to do what I had to do! But she’s a child? Ok yeah, so she’s only 19 months old; yeah she’s a child; but it’s not abuse. I mean, it’s not like I threw her at Walmart security guard or anything. You wanna talk about crime? Now that shit right there was a crime.

What did I do? Well I was taking a shower; damn it was one of those real good showers too. Uh huh, and she kicks in the door crying and screaming because she wanted to get in with me. Now that’s something I’ve never done before; I leave that up to her mother. Yeah, they take baths together and stuff like that. But anyway, so she’s standing there losing her freakin mind. So what did I do? I got her undressed and picked her up and we both took a shower. What? I’m not a bad parent like some people are.

I think she liked it especially since this was her first time. Aww man when I put her face up to the shower head she shut right up. Yup no more crying. Oh I gave her time to get used to the splashing water in her face. Torture? That’s not torture; it’s called doing what one has to do. It’s not like she was crying and asking me to stop like those silly right wing talk show hosts after six seconds. I mean hell it’s only water. Shit, 70% of the earth is covered with water; so what’s the big deal?!! But it’s almost like drowning? No it’s not. Not when you use soap. Hell it’s called washing your ass. Besides, the water wasn’t even cold. If it was, that would have been wrong. I mean it’s not like I was trying to hurt her or anything; hell, what information is so necessary to be obtained from a 1yr old that I can’t use a belt.

I was just trying to clean her up just like all little babies should be at her age; chaos breeds opportunity. Say what? Child Protective Services? Really? Why should I worry about them; it’s not like I’m a terrorist or anything, right? I mean hell, she was screaming at the top of her lungs. I had to do what I had to do to protect my family. I wasn’t gonna ignore her and walk out of the shower only to be greeted by the rest of my family with bleeding ears from all her screaming. Damn right, I’m a father and husband and I do what I have to do to keep my family safe. Hell, Dick Cheney is a dad just like me, and he says it’s not torture. And you know what? He’s so right. It’s called taking a bath or shower, people. Hello! How are you supposed to do that without getting your face wet?!! Those terrorists should be happy, and people should stop bitching. Those terrorists have some of the most kind folks working down in Guantanamo Bay who are willing to give them baths more than once a day. Yup, everybody isn’t that nice; just look at Barack Obama.