This morning was another shopping day….GROCERY SHOPPING!! Yup its the time of the week when we go to SAMS and hunt food for the family. I get exited when I go to SAM’s because at that store Im important. Something about showing your card before you enter makes me feel like I have VIP status. You know…kinda like at the club. I have an exclusive membership to get in here, but I just wish they served alcohol. But if they did, it wouldn’t take some idiot long to get a DUI after leaving the place, and that shit would stop.

The one thing I like about being there is the fact that they feed you. If you’ve never been, they have employees strategically placed around the store passing out samples of food. When I’m there I hit em all. I sometimes save my appetite just for this occasion. I usually hit em up from different directions just to look like I’m a different person each time. Not that I’m worried about the sample lady. I’m more concerned about looking like the greedy bastard that I am to the other customers. I mean hey! They might have a premium membership and I’d hate to look like the “nigger” that just won the lottery who just moved into the neighborhood.

But the one thing that gets me everytime I’m there is…how do you get the job at the grocery store cooking meat and serving it on toothpicks? I’ve never seen that ad in the paper.

“WANTED: Motivated individual to serve questionable pieces of meat to people. 20 Hrs a week!!! Free Meals. Submit Resume now ! 901-555-5555. Must have own crock pot. EOE”

But now that I’m “domesticated” unlike my single days, Ive been doing lots of cooking. I’ve been gettin down in the kitchen for a while now, and I usually get ideas from those cooking shows on TV. Right now my favorite is “Take Home Chef” on TLC. If you haven’t seen it. Here’s the premise: A chef goes around the city and stalks chicks in grocery stores and convinces them to take him to their house so he can prepare them dinner. I think this dude is an out of work chef who just got out of jail on a stalking charge. Seriously, he’s a weird looking dude, and that chuckle combined with the Australian accent is kinda creepy.

He’s Australian and now he’s in the USA doing what he likes…and getting paid to do it; just another reason to love this country; nowhere else in this world one is able to stalk women in grocery stores with a camera crew in tow. But I gotta give it to him he gets down on his meals. Probably my only beef with the show, is that he rarely picks up Black women. I don’t wanna assume he’s racist, so I’ll just go ahead and say that he probably sucks at making chitlins, fried chicken, and all the other greasy food we Black people crave and love so much. Come to think about it, I don’t think there are any Black people in Australia. I know they have Aboriginies, but I doubt they know anything about fried chicken. Fried Kangaroo maybe, but definitely, not chitlins.

Which when you think about it, its too bad. I don’t know about you, but I think it would be funny seeing a white man with a funny accent in a kitchen in the hood cleaning chitlins, frying pork chops, or fixing anyone of the other slave dishes we love so much. Even funnier, would be to see him get robbed by some wannabe thug who still lives with his momma. To hell with the food, that shit would make for some interesting TV. Yup, it would be just what TLC needs. But then again, now that we have a Black president, and we’re so past race, maybe we’ll see more Black women approached on his show. I’d love to see if he knows how to clean chitlins. Hell, I wish he would be at SAMS the next time I’m there so I can ask.