Patti LaBelle’s Sweet Potato Pie Can Destroy ISIS

So, is this Patti LaBelle Sweet Potato Pie thing the new Ice Bucket Challenge, or what? I see a lot of videos on Facebook and YouTube of people eating her pies that feature the most premium coonery ever. Which, for the people in the videos is sad; because, it’s not like she’s handing out recording contracts or jobs – with the help of Walmart, she’s simply slapping her name on some shit to make money.

NOTE: In the event that you're one of those people who happens to be of the opinion that all Black people look alike. Allow me to be clear: the woman in the photo above is not Patti LaBelle.
NOTE: In the event that you’re one of those people who happens to be of the opinion that all Black people look alike. Allow me to be clear: the woman in the photo above is not Patti LaBelle.

Which really isn’t a bad thing. The social media reaction to her pies, however? Watching black people act like Abraham Lincoln just freed the slaves? Yeah, the shit’s annoying. If they packaged the same pie with the face of any obscure black lady not named Ne Ne Leakes, and I’m willing to bet that the reaction would be different. Yes, it would be just another pie packaged with the face of a slave who looks like Oprah. In fact, we’d be protesting and screaming, “Black Lives Matter!”

I try not to rain on anyone’s “Monkey see, Monkey do” parade. But, you do know that Patti LaBelle ain’t slaving like Hattie M cDaniel in a housecoat singing Negro Spirituals in anyone’s hot-ass kitchen, personally making those pies, all day long? I’m not trying to be nosy, but can’t yo’ momma, grandma, or auntie make the real thing without the food preservatives?

Okay, don’t ask the dude looking like the fourth Fat Boy below that question:

But seriously, the Patti LaBelle sweet potato pie could be yet another plot by “the man” to introduce another drug in the black community. We’ll know when VCRs start coming up missing. Yep, and because nothing can kill the hopes and dreams of any single group or racial demographic like a new drug. Perhaps in the wake of the latest terrorist attack by ISIS, ISIL, the Crips… or whatever they call themselves, over in Paris. Maybe instead of waging an all-out military assault by the United States, the U.S. government should introduce Patti LaBelle’s pies in Iraq and Syria.

Of course, it’s yet to be seen if the introduction of Patti LaBelle’s pies has had a positive effect on black-on-black crime on the southside of Chicago. Hell, there’s no telling if Patti LaBelle’s sweet potato pies have singlehandedly brought family fights over fried chicken to a halt in her hometown, Detroit. But I’m willing to bet that the sweet smell of that sister’s sweet potato pie will be enough to bring the most radical Islamic extremist to his knees to convert to Christianity, then thank Jesus Christ, only to do The Whip & Nae Nae while listening to a song by Drake.

This from Yahoo:

Not long ago, no one had heard of golden-tongued YouTuber James Wright “Chanel,” who burst onto the scene last week with a musical review of Patti LaBelle’s sweet potato pie. To say he went viral is an understatement — to date, the video has been seen more than 1 million times. And ever since that video spread like wildfire, Walmart — which developed the pie with LaBelle and sells it exclusively — has been struggling to keep up with demand. Everyone wants a slice of Ms. LaBelle’s silky, autumnal pie.

 

[…] Walmart representative John Forrest Ales confirmed to Yahoo Food that the sweet potato pies are selling like hot cakes (er, pies) at locations across the country. “For 72 hours, we were selling one per second,” he told us. Ales wouldn’t go into specifics about sales figures, but at $3.48 a pie, that works out to just under $1 million in sales over the weekend. The pie’s product page is currently the most-visited food site on Walmart.com, Ales said. (For a bit of context, Walmart might sell two pumpkin pies every second in the month of November. But still, $1 million in sweet potato pie sales is a lot of pie.)

It’s not like we don’t need more videos on Facebook like that of James Wright. Furthermore, as paranoid as “certain folks” in America has become over this ISIS thing. Wouldn’t it be cool to see Habeeb n’em being fabulously gay as they belt Patti LaBelle’s songs instead of that infamous “Allahu Ackbar!!” rebel yell? See? No more terrorism. World peace. End of story.

Why put on a suicide bomb vest to meet virgins when you can have pie?