Screwed by the Law

By Tracy Renee Jones

I like to travel and on my travels I enjoy sampling the local fare…. I eat….. I drink and I fall into bed with sexy strangers. Now while out partying there’s always the chance that one might unknowingly break the law. Having large breasts will usually do the trick if you happen to have some of those on hand.

If that doesn’t work just simply being an out of towner may garner some sympathy from the ‘law’ but it’s always good to familiarize yourself with such things before hand. So it’s my pleasure to bring you a few rules of engagement that I thought we should all keep in mind lest you find yourself becoming familiar in the Biblical (unless it’s illegal) way with Big Bubba!!

You Said a Mouthful

Oral sex of any kind is illegal in Alabama, Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Kansas, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Minnesota, Mississippi, Georgia, North and South Carolina, Oklahoma, Oregon, Rhode Island, Utah, Virginia and Washington D.C!!

And you wondered why Monica Lewinsky got into all that trouble! She’s an AMERICAN HERO; she had our best interest in mind when she chose to put herself at risk by falling to her knees and providing then Commander in Chief Bill Clinton with a PRESIDENTIAL. Sometimes you gotta think about the welfare of others and do what chu gotta do; Monica understood this and I thank her for it and you should too.

Screw That!

It’s illegal to purchase sex toys in Alabama

Word on the street is that you have to make ‘a run’ out of town to ‘cop the goods’! I can’t get over the fact that a harmless butt plug or vibrator would have Sue Anne and Mary Sue Jane riding dirty much like a pack of ghetto thugs who move work from state to state. And another thing…do the state troopers plant nipple rings in the trunk as a set up? I’m just curious! Does the smell of anal beads tip off the cops during a routine spot check? I want answers!

Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you randy for me, Baby ! *licks lips*

Be careful with that tool, Big Daddy, an erection that shows through a man’s clothing is illegal in the state of Arizona, Florida, Idaho, Indiana, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Nebraska, Nevada, New York, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, Vermont, Washington D.C. and Wisconsin.

The country’s originator of black man overt sexual swagger and the home of jewel clutching!! I don’t know how NYPD is allowed to walk around in public; those guys are the biggest pricks ever and I can spot one a mile away..maybe I should contact an attorney. I’ve been violated.

A Missionary’s Work is to Serve

While most would argue that this is place where the people get screwed many different ways, in Washington, D.C. AKA THE CAPITAL OF THE UNITED STATES engaging in any sexual position other than missionary is illegal.

Though in the state of Virginia, it is illegal to have sex with the lights on AND you can ONLY have missionary sex if you are married since it is illegal for any non-married couple to have sexual relations(no jumping off for you guys) AND you married folks are barred from having ANY oral or anal sex.

But look on the bright side, sex in the dark and in the missionary position is perfectly fine if your partner is ugly as shit but has fresh breath. Everyone has had that person that was so ugly you would usher them in when it’s dark and rush their asses right you t back out the house while it’s still dark. You make them get undressed in the dark ; you make them wash up in the dark and you chase their ass away from your house with a broom…while in the dark. You’ve lied to them the entire time you’ve known them talking about  there “was a problem with the electic and it won’t cut on”. YOU HAVE SCREWED a mother fucker so ugly that when they light their cigarette you dive behind the couch. THEY ARE UGLY…but the sex is great!

Yes, turning on the light might cause you to turn to stone…but the sex was DA BOMB, BABY!

I bet there are a gang of uptight anti-body fluid swapping individuals who’ve moved to Virginia specifically for this no oral/anal law. Virginia may be for lovers…but it DAM SHO AIN’T FOR FREAKS!! And I’m proud to say that I did abide by all state law while on vacation in the beautiful state of VA through no free will of my own.

Meanwhile back at the ranch….they’re having safe sex!

In Nevada it is illegal to have sex without a condom *blank stare*.

Maybe it SHOULD be illegal to have sex without a condom in Nevada! I mean, it’s the only state with legalized prostitution and a town full of bunny ranch bordellos. Who knows what kind of crotch critters they have hopping around those cushy casino chairs?

Like a Virgin…Or Maybe You Shouldn’t.

In Washington State (not D.C. for you slow folks) there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night!).

Um, well……Gee… only guess is that Washington State encourages their newlyweds to be traditional and take a honeymoon….elsewhere….like, right off the city limits type of elsewhere. I can only imagine the red carpet treatment the local truck stop motels provide to the bride and groom for such a pinnacle occasion.

I’m Your Pusher

In the state of Texas it is a misdemeanor if two men engage in oral and/or anal sex though the same law doesn’t apply to men and women engaging in the same activity with each other (no homo)!. In addition, no one other than a “registered pharmacist” may sell condoms or other kinds of contraceptives “on the streets or other public places.” The funny shit is that this statue doesn’t even include doctors! Anyone who tries to pass off a rubber to a friend as a gesture of encouraged sexual responsibility runs the risk of being charged with the “unlawfully practicing medicine.” It’s no wonder Texas is so dam uptight!!

State sodomy laws are usually ignored—except in Georgia, where a man was sentenced to five years in prison for engaging in oral sex…..with his wife….with her consent….in their bedroom at home.

Uh, er……moving right along.

I Made Mr. Goodbar say “DAM THAT PUSSY WAS GOOD, BITCH!” Now We’re Both in Jail!

A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called “Master”, rather than mister, when addressed by their ‘woman’. And it’s not that I’m against calling a man…well never mind…I don’t like being told what to call a man…Bastid, Boo, Master, Motha Fucka…whatever happened to free speech?

And last but not least, it may be in your best interest to know it’s against the law in Willowdale, Oregon, for a husband to curse during sex. Well, I’ll BE GOTTDAM!!