I’m not gay, and because of it, I’m not going to hell

Well, yeah, I’m not gay, and thank God I’m not because I just so happen to be the marrying type. I love the “sanctity” of marriage so much that I’m on my second go-around at it. Which when I think the idea of gay marriage I just wanna reach out and slap all gay people in America currently bitching about not being able to enjoy the blissful sanctimonious institution that I – a heterosexual male – has the privilege of enjoying. I mean they scream about equality but yet fail to realize that the government – be it state or federal – is actually looking out for them.
That’s right; the government’s just doing its part to ensure that gay people get to heaven. I mean its bad enough that they engage in those un-godly perverse sex acts which goes against all of God’s laws of intercourse written in the fine print in the bible. But no, now they want marriage equality? How the hell are they supposed to get into heaven if they’re allowed to do that? If you ask me, denying them the right to marry does them a huge favor. And no I’m not talking about having to be a part of the 50% divorce statistic.
But like I said, thankfully I’m not gay and I don’t have to worry about violating God’s law of marriage as presented in the bible. My current wife and my ex both had a child before we tied the knot; a child by someone other than myself. And all I can say is that it’s a good thing the bible recognizes virgin births because I’d sure hate to have to kill them both under the watchful auspices of the “Most High” heterosexual because being gay wasn’t his choice.
Sorry gay folks, but youse people should just repent for your sins now so you can direct the choir in heaven as you already do here on earth every Sunday. Besides, be thankful that you don’t have to meet the fate as those lying-ass non-virgin heterosexual women who get married. Yep, it’s better to be alive and gay than a dead heterosexual “Just Married” woman the morning after the marriage is consummated as we do, right?