I have witnessed one of the weirdest things in my life recently. A few weeks ago, I noticed that Ashley (my babygirl) gets into these crying modes. Nothing unusual right? I mean, she’s a baby and thats what they do, right? Well yeah, kinda, but this was different. You see, it was weird in that she would cry, and cry, and cry for a long ass time, for no apparent reason. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got it down to a science whenever she normally cries; I know specifically with each cry what her problem might be. But when she gets in this mode, it gets hectic.

One night she was buggin out to the point where I was getting frustrated. I could honestly say that for the first time in my life, I could understand how some parents kill their kids when they can’t get them to stop crying. This particular night she had been crying for over an hour non-stop, and when she cries you’d swear that somebody was beatin the shit out of her. I was close to the point of screaming my damn self when Lee (my wife) came to my rescue. We had been taking turns trynna calm her down, so I already knew that she wasn’t gonna stop, but I needed a break. After Lee took her, I saw that a lightbulb had been turned on in her head. At that point she said “watch this.” She went into the bathroom and walked back out with the hair dryer, plugged it up in the room and turned it on full blast. Observing this, I had no idea what the hell she was doing. But the weird thing, was that Ashley stopped crying and became quiet.

I was shocked! I had never seen anything like that before. C’mon, a hair dryer?!! I was amazed at first, but then I became afraid. I had no idea what the hell had just happened, and I thought it was some Haitian voodoo shit that my wife had just pulled. I was afraid because I saw that movie “The Serpent & The Rainbow” back in the day, and still to this day that voodoo shit scares me. Shit, aint no tellin what she could do to me if she could use her voodoo to make the baby stop cryin. I had an ex once tell me that she put period blood in my food once to be able to keepm me. I thought it was some bullshit, but that bitch put me thru hell and it was hard to break loose from her. So when my wife did her magic trick, I was a lil bit concerned.

She exlained to me that Ashley had a condition nown as COLIC. I’m sure some of you women know all too well about what it is, but this was something all new to me. She explained that it was something that affects babies for which there is no known explanation. She went on to explain that her older daughter (who’s now 13yrs old) had the same thing when she was a baby, and she would have to use her vacuum cleaner to make her stop crying. She said it was the white noise that helped them to stop. I learned something that night, and its been useful ever since. Now when she gets in these moods, I just turn on the hair dryer and its all good.

The whole episode has given me a better understanding of people, or more specifically adults. Since I learned about COLIC, I look at it as the explanation for all of the whinney ass people in this world. Now when I encounter people like that offline, instead of tuning them out, or smaking the shit outta them, I now know what to do. The answer lies in white noise folks, and I think I’ll start packing a hair dryer everywhere I go to help me in situations like that. The only thing I gotta figure out now is how I can get them close to a bathtub, so I can push them in and toss in the hair dryer while its running. One time I was at the motel with this chick that I had been trynna “get with” for a long time. We had been out on dates, but it was finally time to do the damn thing. After having what she called mind blowing sex for a few hours, she started to cry, and cry uncontrollably. It was at that point that I decided that it was time to go. She said she felt guilty that she had sex with me because she had a fiance, and thats why she was crying. Now that I think of it, we fucked around with each other for about two years after that all while she was engaged. I think she lied, I think she had colic.