Relationship Follies: When Interracial & Intra-racial Preferences Collide

It amuses pains me greatly to have to write about more dating foibles and intra-racial squabbles between my sistren and brethren, but I’ve been reading some rather disappointing things across the Black Blogosphere this past week and feel the need to weigh-in.  I peeped a couple of interesting articles online (none of which I care to provide links to) and some equally as interesting commentary from readers, many of whom were Black women. It seems as if a certain sub-group of women have the dating game all wayward and are vigilant about ‘White Knighting’ other forum commenters (even when they’ve made racially insensitive comments).

The concept of agreeing to disagree, respectfully, seems to get lost in translation whenever the issue of interracial dating and intra-racial relationship preferences come up. It’s an issue that cause folks to get hot under the collar – or nether regions depending on the tone of the conversation- but one thing is for certain; Black men and women have a lot to say and more often than not, when exchanging their feelings with one another, it almost always disintegrates into a barrage of hateful name-calling, revelatory statements that suggest an underlying feeling of self-loathing, and in some instances blatant repudiation of the entire Black community, as one Haitian-identified female commenter seemed on the cusp of doing in the comments area of a controversially written article– but not before suggesting that all the “best” and  “highest-quality” Black women are in interracial relationships, which leaves behind the lowly “welfare queens” for Black men to pick over like carrion, which is why they’re supposedly bitter “thug kings”… as she so eloquently put it.

Learning the art of building over such matter- living and letting live– would be the ideal way to engage one another about dating preferences, but that seems too fundamental for some folks to grasp; as being as histrionic, nasty, and complicated seems the way to go when fumbling to relate and understand one another.  Some Black women and women who are particularly emphatic when writing (speaking, or rapping) about their dating choices don’t seem to be genuine in their intentions, as the tone of their argument tends to be quite pointed and politically charged, as if they’re using their relationships to create platitudes about one another and the community as a whole. To be completely frank and based on what I’ve  read,  lately much of the vitriol has come from a collective of Black women who are seemingly harboring hurt and resentment from prior dealings with Black men (and some Black women) despite proclamations of feeling empowered and free.  And they appear no different than Black men who invoke the same type of rhetoric.

I actually just learned about the term “DBR” and have read venomous words hurled by Black women at other Black women: Stupid, weak, fat, welfare-queens, and DBR enablers, or as another Black female forum commenter termed “Black male-identified, Black men in disguise”.   Reading the comments of that one particular article that prompted this post– and there were hundreds – made me feel a bit sullen and caused me to wonder; when exactly did it come this dysfunctional between Black men and women, that we can’t build about relationships, and respect one another’s choices without the hate? I know the overall relationship between many Black men and women has been tenuous and the cracks gradual, but when did the divide between us become so expansive?

There were no clear winners between the dervishes of insults I read, but one thing was for certain… The whole conversation was a complete mind-fuck… a nasty, sweaty, stinky, undulating orgy of foolery which unfolded in a dank, dark room where everyone got screwed, but no one reached the throes of ecstasy or climaxed to completion.

I’ll never understand why the topic of interracial dating has us (the Black community) at such odds with one another when we could be building about so many other things; or why some folks profess to be so happy with the freedom to love on who they desire, yet are so pressed by who someone else is sleeping with or what other folks are saying.

Why can’t people just genuinely date how and who they want to date, without an agenda behind it? Moreover, why can’t people who made the dating choices they believe works for them and their lives, leave other folks to their own dating devices and not try to proselytize or project their preferences onto others? Belittling other Black women and calling them “welfare-queens” because they’ve opted not to try “something new” and suggesting that they lack femininity because they want to date on their own terms as well, is not productive.

People who are genuinely empowered, free, and secure with their personal choices (dating or otherwise), don’t need to indulge in asinine mud-slinging. No other community of people (to my knowledge) have knock-down, drag out cyber fights about how much better they think they are, because they’re dating outside of their communities or because they have a white/racially ambiguous boyfriend or girlfriend.

True freedom is extending yourself and connecting in genuine ways, being able to simply date (like an adult) and function within your relationship without needing validation. To be truly empowered and emboldened is to think and engage critically and independently, without the need to destroy or wreck shop. Of course this involves parting ways still having mutual respect for one another, even if you don’t entirely share the same sentiments about certain things. Folks have got the game all twisted.



Also read:

Think Like a Foolio, Date Like a Dummy…