Friends With Benefits: How Some People Overlook the Basics

I had the pleasure of making the acquaintance of my downstairs neighbor yesterday after having survived a busted pipe (mine) and a collapsed ceiling (his). While the circumstances weren’t the greatest and maybe we could have done this earlier, say, late Summer or early Fall, better late then never, right?

Several frustrating incidences led up to yesterday, I haven’t spoken to any of my friends for days and I needed to laugh and connect with someone other than my daughter.

Besides, long and animated conversations are the basis for where profound knowledge can be found, and it often happens in a vacuum of opportunity. Freezing on the porch while waiting on maintenance men offered such a recipe.

If you don’t believe me then you must have never had a wise neighborhood bums or prophetic heroine addicted teenager drop some heavy knowledge on you with a few simple words during some random verbal exchange.

Dude is a father, though he looks young, he’s not much younger than I am.

He mentioned something about a boy who was walking across the street with un-kept hair. My friend commented about how he would never be outside looking like that even at the boy’s young age. Regardless of whether he had a fresh haircut or not my guy insisted that his mother instilled in him a notion that he must look presentable at all times.

Vaseline and a brush is all it takes to clean up a little. Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you can’t do the basics. Especially a Black man, because some people expect Black males to be wild and un-kept and I love to disappoint them

After a few more cigarettes and trips in and out of both of our apartments while we assessed the continuing water damage we then settled on the business of Black relationships.

I found my new partner to be insightful and honest. He was forthright with plenty of information, some of which was whispered in my ear as a discretion to the girlfriend who remained inside.

His responses to my deepening questions delighted me; he showed himself to be a practical, and confidently arrogant. He told me the ways in which he worked at instilling a sense of self pride and determination in his pre-teen son.

At one point during the conversation he said something that caused me to respond with ‘more please’.

There are Black men out here with a sense of responsibility to others besides themselves. I learned very early on that my behavior is a choice and once I knew that my world became a much larger place. The same way these kids think this is all they can be; I teach him to be like nothing he’s ever seen. Limitless”

We turned to the subject of dating and the ways in which people mindlessly choose partners based on everything else but expectations, needs and wants.

Any person should date several people, and just have fun with it.

Let them know what it is that they need to do and what you expect from them and see how they satisfy that request. Any person that knows and chooses to not adhere to whatever it is that you are asking isn’t on your team, so now a decision has to be made. If they can’t do simple shit then how do you expect them to do hard shit later on?

I laughed and nodded my head in agreement, as I’ve been out here newly single, the relationship that I left is surprisingly on life support. Somehow the dead was revived but I fear that this may only be a reanimation of our past.

I’ve stated my wants, my expectations and my needs and realize there is something that needs to be done in response to this lack of them being met, but I am not yet ready. And so I light another cigarette and continue to listen and banter.

“Regardless of whether its a male or female, most people want two basic things in the opposite sex. Friendship and Fucking. If you have those two things… any relationship stands the chance of turning into a healthy long term relationship.”

My friend, like I, says he makes no determination to a premeditated status of the people he sees when he’s single. He sees any woman who he likes and enjoys and who reciprocates the feelings, at the very least. From there she can go up, sideways or backwards.

I never understood the logic in dating a ‘certain type’ of man for a partner and ‘another type’ for screwing and then restricting the potential of each relationship to only go there.

People are not cars, you cannot make them get to a destination, they have to already have the place circled on their own map.

Encouragement is one thing but I can’t, for the life of me, see how some people latch onto an ideal of what another human should be for them without taking into consideration if that person is both able and willing to be that.

I deal with each man on equal footing, with the opportunity to move forward or in reverse, hyper speed or slow depending on the circumstances and how well he satisfies my needs and wants.

My expectations are my expectations and anyone unwilling or unable to meet those expectations is simply not worthy of MY consideration.

Friendship and fucking are the basics of my relationships. And you can clutch your pearls all you want but quiet as it’s kept, I would still friend and/or fuck, most of my exes.

I liked them as people and enjoyed them in bed. I’ll wager they feel the same way.

Had each person NOT satisfied Friendship and Fucking then we would have never become ‘a relationship’ regardless of their looks, money, career, availability or willingness to appease or pursue me.

Though the dynamics of ‘us’ didn’t work out, we started out on strong footing, and so our fall from the heavens is often not so vicious that we cannot remain civil, or even emotionally connected and sometimes we even still yearn for the comfort of one another.

This made me think of the amount of people that I know whom are married or in long term ‘stable’ relationships and not friends with their partners.

They tolerating each other, mechanically parenting children and calling it a life.

The men that go home to women because she remains a dutiful housewife as she silently complies with the room and board arrangement. He may fuck her because she’s a warm and ‘safe’ hole for him to enjoy; this feels like maintenance sex. I been there and did that and it’s not a good feeling.

What of the women that dislike the men that they climb in bed with each night for reasons to numerous to mention here? You screw him and hold him forth on your arm but you have no respect for him, you don’t know him and you don’t like him.

But he is yours and so you work that angle to society for whatever benefit if affords you.

I thought of all of the people I know personally who are in loveless and sexless relationships bound by a document and ring ceremony.

How many of you out there can’t recall the last time you slept with your spouse or partner? How many of you can’t recall the last time you jumped your people’s bones like bees to honey suckle?

What’s worse……having a partner that doesn’t like you like that but who will grope for you in the darkest hour?

Or having a partner that barely communicates with you at all while your watch the back of their head leave the room or the home…yet again?

Friendship and Fucking…..Basically

Namaste, Mother Fuckers….