Christmas Shopping: Deck The Halls, & Break My Balls

Sometimes I wish I could be like a bear or a squirrel and just sleep the entire winter so that I can miss the holidays and the hypocrisy of it. Its been estimated that “Black Friday” this year saw a slight increase in holiday shopping spending. On that weekend alone it’s estimated that $52.4 billion dollars was spent, and that’s not even including “Cyber Monday”. So much for it being a bad economy with, increased foreclosures, high unemployment and skimpy dime bags of weed.

I mean, people lose their freakin minds at this time of year! Forget WWE wrestling, if you wanna see some bloodshed, wake up about 3am and find a line of idiots waiting to make purchases the day after Thanksgiving. Its even better if its real cold…the colder it is, the more aggressive the consumers are. Yeah, just don’t try cutting the line in front of anybody or else you’ll be the recipient of a serious beatdown. People take this Christmas shopping thing seriously.

I’ve always had a sincere problem with people who equate price tags to happiness. Or, “If you don’t get me something nice then it must mean you don’t like me”. The biggest mistake people make during the holiday’s is assuming that everyone around them has the same level of “Give-a-Fuck” that they have. I like the holidays but I get sick of running around the mall for 5 days straight trying to find the “perfect” gift for someone.

This is why God invented Gift Cards. I don’t have to stand in a store wondering if this shirt will fit you. Or keeping up with the receipt so you can take back something I know you’re not going to like. I love gift cards. They’re all I’ll ever ask for. I don’t even care what store. Hell if you know a stripper that offers gift cards please grab me one.

Asking for a gift card only frustrates the die-hard Christmas shoppers that much more. These people are DETERMINED to force-feed the true “spirit” of Christmas down your throat by DEMANDING that you specify a gift and not a gift card. Newsflash you Shop-A-Holic Chowder Head, the true spirit of Christmas has nothing to do with $380 shoes or a wish-list. It has something to do with this dude named Jesus (ever heard of him?). Swing by church next Dec. 24th and you might learn a thing or two. He’s the one who “allegedly”started this Christmas stuff so give me my damn Gift Card and shut up! Hell, Jesus was born in a barn and had to smell goat shit and sleep on hay, but all you people are concerned with is an Xbox game system.

Personally, I think all Christians should get like a refund check from the church as a gift for Christmas. Instead of presents you’ll look forward to that check like a tax refund. I mean after all, your money went towards the work of God in the form of tithes and offerings, and your preacher drives a new Cadillac. And God DID so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son? Since he was so generous, how about a check?!! Besides, no man over 21 years old should have a “Santa Wish-List” anyway. If so, he should be beat unconscious and then revived…and then beat unconscious again. But like everything, you take the good with the bad.

As an independent thinker I see the Pro’s & Con’s of the Christmas holiday season:



1) You get present.

2) You put up color lights on your house so your electric company can benefit.

3) Some people don’t act like dicks in the weeks leading up to and after the holiday .

4) It’s the best window of probability for someone you don’t like to kill themselves .

5) Drunk drivers who get away with it all year get caught.


1) Pedophiles dressed as Santa get to feel children up unimpeded at the mall.

2) Gas prices usually peak around Christmas filling the coffers of those Saudi bastard.

3) More people kill themselves on Christmas than any other day in the year.

4) Christmas music on the radio 24-7 is a vicious assault.

5) Being asked what you got for Christmas – That’s as intrusive as asking your mom if she ever gave your dad head. Mind your own fuckin business!


Lastly, a message of Christmas is to be good to each other because “it’s that time of year” is fucking bullshit. You should be good to others and treat people well throughout the ENTIRE YEAR. If you’re only nice to people during the holidays because of Hallmark, then you should have been aborted.