So I’m standing in line with Mrs. RiPPa at the Subway restaurant around the way. We’re about the fourth ones back on line. There’s this big dude in front placing his order while holding a cell phone to his ear. So quite naturally he’s loud. Obviously he’s placing an order not only for himself but also for somebody on the other end.

So I’m just minding my own business and trying not to pay attention cuz I’m not nosy like that. But when a muthafucka is loud as hell in a tight space you can’t help but to hear the bullshit. So anyway, dude is going back and forth taking forever placing this order. It was then that I noticed there was this lady behind me sitting in a seat who was also with him. It seemed like she should have been the one placing the order because she pretty much had it down as to what her and big momma n’em on the phone wanted to eat.

It was quite obvious that all the brain damage was getting to dude as he was having problems multitasking by placing this order, talking on the phone, and trying to keep his saggy pants from falling. I could tell that sister girl who was with him sitting to the back of me, was getting a little perturbed, because big daddy was obviously kinda sloppy with his order placing skills. She let her frustration show when she loudly proclaimed, “He so damn country!”

As I heard that I kinda laughed to myself. After which, I turned to kinda glance at this woman and our eyes met. It was then that she repeated what she said out-loud as if it was just our private moment. Again she said, “He’s so country!” But this time it was a light sorta whisper. I smiled, she smiled and we connected as I gave her the universal Negro head nod for confirmation. It was only then that I noticed that this woman had a mouth full of gold teeth. Yes, she looked like Master P. with a wig, but maybe a lil cuter, and a little darker.

It was then I said, “how you gonna call somebody country when you have a mouth full of gold teeth?!!” Of course I said that to myself; I was just trying get a sandwich for dinner, and I wasn’t in the mood for an argument; plus dude was bigger than me. So yeah, I kinda said that to myself and laughed about it in my head.

Wanna hear something funnier? After we got our sandwiches, we walked out of the restaurant to walk back to the car. As we did, I was met head on by a dude shaking some change in his hand. He looked me dead in the face and asked, “Say bruh, can you spare some change cuz I’m trying get some money for some food to eat?” To which I replied, “Sorry homie, I can’t help you.” Real quick like that I kept it moving.

As I got to my car, it was then the face of this dude came to me. And you know what? Dude had a mouth full of gold teeth! So now I’m thinking: how you gonna be bagging me for money with a mouth full of gold teeth? I mean, hell if you’re that hungry, seems like you’d just get one of your teeth knocked out and be able to eat for a week at least. I actually told that to my wife as we drove off, and she said I was mean. I don’t even wear jewelry myself so I thought what I said to her was a natural thought, no?

Recounting the whole episode from Flava Flav’s sister in the restaurant to my man Crunchy Black from Three 6 Mafia panhandling trying to hustle me for money, that this is the south, and they pretty much all have gold in their mouth. I mean cats in Brooklyn New York when I lived there had gold fronts too, but it wasn’t universal, and it damn sure wasn’t like everybody had them either. It was then once again I was reminded that I live in the south. Yup, I am pretty much a country boy now I suppose.

As I sat in my house eating my Subway sandwich, it was then that I felt bad for not giving the guy any money. Yup, I felt guilty because I missed an opportunity to help someone down and out. I almost got back in my car to go back and find dude, and break him off a few dollars. It was then I realized that I would have been hustled by a country boy. Imagine that. Me the city slicker getting scammed by a brother from the dirty south.

Well how you know he was hustlin you RiPPa?

Well hell, there was a McDonald’s restaurant right across the parking lot from Subway. Shit, if that guy was really hungry like he said he was, seemed like he would have been in front of McDonald’s jingling change because they have the dollar menu. Surely he had at least a dollar. The nerve of him trying play me for a $5 foot-long Subway sandwich. What ever happened to the saying beggars can’t be choosers. Oh well, I guess things are just different down here in the country.