The person who has been sucking out all of the air in diplomacy and policy has finally left the building. Now Bami, I haven’t written to you in long time, so here is a housekeeping list you must post on to your new desk in the Oval Office and get to work in accomplishing these tasks.
1. Really deal with Israel-Palestine issues without using peroxide and a bandaid to patch up deep, old festering gashes.
2. Listen to black folk who are exhausted, but are ready to do the work and articulate real issues.
3. Feel on Michelle’s booty randomly, in front of the public and let her grab you by the crotch to show all those thirsty chicks (Desiree Rogers included) that you are hers.
4. Upgrade the beer convention to a snazzy Mojito gathering to discuss a true embargo lift off of Cuba.
5. Re-evaluate your friendship with Rahm, he was only out for self.
6. Change all the locks and don’t give any spare keys.
7. Stop staging townhalls that frame you as disingenuous.
8. Get back to the roots of grassroots and not just focus on the grass. I’m saying, I know you have a medical marijuana card. It’s okay, so does Montel Williams and my brother’s cousin’s friend has it in three different states due to glaucoma.
9. Reinstate credible black press members and fire your press secretary, he is quite the douche bag.
11. Please make better efforts in restoring New Orleans.
12. Admit to yourself about 20 times a day, we are not out of a Recession.
13. Have a one-on-one with Rev. Wright. I think he has your best interest in mind and will counsel you better than Emmanuel.
14. Get Bill Clinton the fuck out of Haiti.
15. Get your swagger back. What happened dude? You have the movements of a rigid, Jewish grandmother.
16. Congratulate yourself for staying afloat in a sea full of sharks who pose like your friends and your best advisors.
17. Stay away from Eddie Long, he might want you to join his Longfellow fellowship.
18. Visit your grandmother’s grave.
19. Don’t endorse Emmanuel’s mayoral candidacy.
20. Just look at Emmanuel’s departure this way. Now you really can get some more substantial shit done.
BTW, I think Chicago might work for Emmanuel, they know how to deal with slum lords because he was seriously fucking up the white house.