No Wedding, No Womb: DICK, DUDES, & DECISIONS [#NWNW]

By Tracy Renee Jones

I don’t know what to think at this point. Is #NWNW… No Willie, No Worries? No Way, No Wood? No Wedding, No Waka? No Wage, No Wedding? Or is it No Roger, No Re-Run, No Rent? Honestly, I’m getting dizzy. And I think I’m insulted…or maybe I’m not, and the theme makes sense but the mission lacks any particular stance, so is it NOT MEANT for me to figure out which side I’m on?

Maybe my only participation in the debate about my pussy, my potential (partner) and my partner’s (potential) is for me to sit here and be further confused (and contribute to these pages hits on all these websites). What was I supposed to be saying ? Oh,….DICK, DUDES and DECISIONS.

Do I think the “No Wedding; No Womb!” campaign to be a worthy one? Indeed, I do think the cause is worthy…YOUNG BLACK PEOPLE are more than worthy. I say this as a single mother because this shit ain’t a cake walk. Back when I was a teen, no one openly discussed being a single mother, or sex, or relationships, or the potential a young person has if they choose to make critical decisions and the follow through involved when it came to obtaining life goals.

Back then, a young person had demands placed on their raging, growing (growling) hormones and not much else to go by. I feel that the NWNW opens the discussion about why more Black women do NOT control their incidences of birth in this day and age and I’m all for that.

See, I’m of the generation of women whose birth control information and sex teachings came from an overtly religious mother (Jesus said if you fuck – u sinnin’ and then your gonna end up in hell. Don’t go to hell), the very beta version of high school sex education classes (vagina..ovaries….zygote), and Family Planning (no blame, no lecture, read a pamphlet, ask a question, get a checkup, you can learn to control whether you get pregnant or not). Had it not been for Family Planning and what I learned by visiting there I would have had WAY more children than the one I have now.

Knowledge equals powers, so if we tell these young people that becoming a parent is both a decision and a commitment then maybe more will wait until a more stable time in their lives. There may be others who decline becoming parents at all; NOT expecting young people to have children is also an option.

There are a growing number of Black people who do not see themselves becoming parents or marrying. We can encourage young people to be realistic about the decisions they should make in preparation of becoming a parent; and maybe those young people who are sexually active will learn that birth control is/should be a given when you begin to have sex.

However, most of the write ups I’ve read involving #NWNW were directly aimed at poor, uneducated Black women and the argument against single motherhood (as it is) involved tactics of shame, both hypothetical and realistic tales of single motherhood inconveniences and the ‘social stigma’ suffered by having an out of wedlock child. No one cares about an unwed pregnancy anymore, which is part of the basis of the argument. I encourage parents to be inclusive and supportive of each other before bringing children in the world; fuck the wedding. Some people are great single and horrible as part of a couple; let um live.

Should Blacks support this battle cry to go back to the days of ‘marriage’ simply to provide a two parent household? Ugh, not if the marriage consists of two, clueless, unemployed young Black people who are becoming parents. It takes more than a fancy chess move to navigate parenthood; fantasies don’t pay the bills.

I’m not sure if this is a real “Black” issue seeing how most cultures are moving away from the Christianity based model of ‘family’. I’m not clear if NWNW involves a gray area where a two parent household could mean two lesbians, or two gay men, or an extended family which includes an ex so involved in the child’s life that it’s nearly a three person marriage. Are these models just as good as Mom and Pop to raise Tysheed? I don’t know. I just don’t want Lil Ray Ray to steal my purse.

I think the Black view of pregnancy AND family planning AND young people’s potential should be re-evaluated overall. Sex and the resulting children involve the guys and the girls’ effort, participation and involvement. To only speak to the Black women allows Black men to become further ostracized and further relieved of their valuable participation in the relationships, the marriages, the partnerships, and the co-parenting that affect all of our lives.

I haven’t had a womb since a womb had me. Something about the word ‘womb’ just makes me shudder. You can call it anything else you want but as soon as you refer to my pelvis as a womb I automatically know that I should wait for it……..wait for it…….


The old maintain the value between your legs trickery, eh? You won’t gain any points with me by associating my pussy with the stock market. My mother tried that and the more she insisted my pussy belonged to someone else the more interested I was on sneaking and letting these mutha fukas get a whiff of this ‘good ass valuable’ pussy I had. I bet they never realized how my mind broke the association down like that. All the Christian “chastity keep it for marriage” people did for me was make me wonder what was so great about sex that you didn’t want me to have none? Enticement is like a drug for some people. I’m a-dick’ed.

Why Are You Giving Away Your Value (WHORE!)

Meh, I could have signed up for this had it been written from the stand point of Black women’s bodies being valuable over all. Not that a woman’s body is only valuable when it’s valuable in the men’s fresh meat department. Something is just strange about ‘holding’ your virginity for your husband. Hold it because YOU are not ready. Hold it because YOU want to wait until you are married. Hold it because YOU haven’t meant the right person. Do it for any other reason aside from ‘Jesus said so’ and the empty expectation that your virginity will hold some type of magical exchange rate in the future. It won’t and it doesn’t. Learning or being un-taught to not place THAT kind of value on what’s between your legs is the first step towards becoming a respected human being.

Let’s put it like this…

A hooker exchanges pussy to the highest bidding trick for cash.

A virgin exchanges pussy to the best potential prospect for cash and consideration.

Same shit if you ask me.

What can be done to alleviate the problem with Black families?

Well, I’m no expert but I am a ‘baby muvah’ (retired) and I am a know it all so here goes:

Encourage young Black people to be INDEPENDENT, CRITICAL THINKING citizens. Take away the endless video games, the mindless television, the mediocre expectations and all of the free time children spend without adults around. Teach them to look at life as something to be maneuvered and directed, and not as something they must tolerate and survive. I think a main contribution to the reckless way young people live is based on the fact that they’re trying to get all the living out before they die (code word for get killed or kill and do life in prison).

Promote age appropriate sex discussions about young people’s bodies and acknowledge that they may be having sexual feelings. It’s human; don’t trip! You can’t expect them to talk to you if you don’t allow them to be heard. Be honest and open as you discuss the situations they will face; it was you having to make those same decisions at one point. How did you deal; what had you wished someone had told tell them.

Tell them about where they can get health care and information; and allow them as much privacy as you can. You may want to monitor teens and restrict them as a way to control their behavior and ‘protect’ what you think they should not involve themselves in but what you are doing is disabling their efforts to learn how to take care of their bodies. You are taking the responsibility of self control and choices and teaching them to ignore their sexuality and sexual health. Sneaking around and denying sex was never a good form of birth control. You don’t want to find out your teen has been having sex after you notice they are 5 months pregnant.

Young people should learn to not take bullshit from a partner. Males and females should stop thinking they can ‘save’, or ‘fix’ or ‘improve’ the behavior of their partner. If she’s messy, lazy and unmotivated now. She’ll be messy, lazy and unmotivated later. If he’s irresponsible with his money, immature and self centered; you shouldn’t be surprised when he purchases a new pair of Jordan’s instead of paying for Lil Jordan’s daycare. Some character flaws should be taken into consideration early. At least you acknowledge what you have to deal with; if you like it I love it but if not there are always more fish in the sea.

Since your fucking…TALK to each other! There are just as many females trapping men into pregnancies as there are men trapping females into pregnancy. What do you expect that baby to accomplish!? At best you may gain a relationship ‘situation’ with a person that is resentful and only slightly interested in what you got going on. The pseudo-marriage/baby momma is nothing to chase behind. Things happen and having a discussion with a partner BEFORE there is a situation allows each side to gauge the others reaction. Maybe you two don’t see eye to eye on pregnancy. Finding out that HE is against abortion when YOU are considering an abortion is NOT the business.

If you don’t have a family of your own..feel free to create a family. I have been a single mother since the age of 17. Her father has never been involved in her life, nor did his family care to have any relationship with her. One day when I was 18 I came home from work to find an empty house; as my foster mother moved without telling me. She left a note saying it was time for me to move on and ‘good luck’. But that didn’t stop my child from having a support system that has pulled us through in so many ways I can’t begin to explain right here. You know what they say, “when life gives you lemons, make a family”.

Black men should encourage other Black men to be DAD’s to their kids. Being a Dad should be considered a cool thing. You have your blood flowing in another person, son. How is that not FLY? You get to have your genes pass on after your cold in the ground. Kids used to be considered a great asset to a man. A woman allowed you to sleep with her AND she carried and bore you a child (not an easy me). And those men who didn’t have fathers SHOULD definitely show up for their own. No one is asking you to be perfect; we only ask that you show up and make the mistakes it takes to become a GREAT DAD.

Stop promoting the bullshit “Marriage” fantasy. Who are you people still feeding young girls a Cinderella dream? You tell the boys that they will marry and have a live in maid, cleaner and sex slave. Um, prolly not! Marriage takes work; parenting takes work. Have I been married? Hell, no! I have been engaged and have declined marriage a few times simply because I already knew what it was like to have to commit selflessly to another person. My daughter is my first commitment and ‘let no man come between us’, or simply I refuse to back flip, accommodate, tolerate and show up for another emotional commitment in addition to the one I share with my daughter. Again, this is not a cake walk. Marriage and parenthood are options, choices and responsibilities. Success at both/either is what you make of it. I choose to remain single and (now childless) until I find a person that I want to negate my options for. Until then….

And I’m spent!!