The Myth of the Unwanted, Unloved, Unattractive Black Woman

By now you’re probably tired of hearing about John Mayer and his “David Duke” penis.  I know you are!  I’m over it, but I had to share one final nail in the coffin with you.  This post was so brilliant, I literally stood up and clapped like I was in church.

On Twitter I asked Thembi (@thembithembi) of, what The Brown Nipple Theory was all about.  She was kind enough to put up a post, and break it down poetically.  Peep it an excerpt of her John Mayer’s Lies and The Brown Nipple Theory:
The Brown Nipple Theory™ is a catchphrase created during my youth to remind my group of friends that white guys were in fact interested in us. For years we’d all believed that white boys would never lay a hand on your average black girl, but we proved that tired theory wrong both by experience and simple logic. Basically, men love to go to the “locker room” and tell other men about their exotic exploits, one of which, in some circles, is having seen a brown nipple firsthand (hence the name of the theory).

Trust me, the desperately single black women who wonder where all of the black men are may have a larger media presence, but those of us who have stolen boyfriends from little white girls are quite large in number. Preach, Thembi!  It’s an awesome post, and she goes in even deeper, so check it out.  I thought long and hard about her comment on the media presence of single black women, and this morning I woke up with a “Eureka!”

In all my time dating, I have maybe encountered ONE white guy (well, two but the other one was gay) who was not interested in getting with me or a black friend of mine.  Now, I’m not talking about the cats that wear baggy pants and know rap songs from start to finish.  Those are usually pretty much a given that they’ll fuck a black chick, even if it’s just for “street cred” (in my experience, they like the way we put it on ’em).

 However, I’ve been through and/or attracted a Hick, several Preppies (Abercrombie and Fitch type cats), your standard Eminem types, metal-heads, your professional, hiker types, etc.  and I’ve got to tell you, I didn’t have any idea these folks would be interested in a black woman and I didn’t care.  If I’m interested, I go for it, and if I don’t get a response, I keep it pushing.  Hell, I’ve met black men that weren’t interested in me.  I try not to get hung up on race, or moronic racial preferences, because like Thembi, I realize that falling for the myth that white men–aye, men in general–aren’t really attracted to black women is a bunch of poppycock (and quite short-sighted and slightly illogical).  To be honest, snatch is snatch, and if it comes in a sexy package, the color of the wrapping is irrelevant to men.

One of Mr. Slim’s white friends called him one night at like four in the morning to tell him that he talked to a black chick for the first time, and was interested.  Mr. Slim, having taken the plunge into chocolate many years before, was apparently an expert on black women.  You would think for being “top dogs” in this social game, white men would be more confident in their multicultural conquests.

Naturally, the media, and the vultures who use the media for their own gains, love to go for the contingent of black women who squawk about being single and lonely/unmarried, whatever.  Why not?  Isn’t it a natural choice for them?  I mean, we wouldn’t want black women to assume their rightful place in the court of Beautiful and Fuckable women would we?  That would mean that black women would appreciate themselves more and unlock a greater esteem for themselves.  They might leave Eurocentric beauty standards alone and realize that they are attractive and desired JUST the way they are.  Even brothers who have disavowed black women openly, still beat off to a Lil’ Kim (circa Junior Mafia) or a Rihanna poster. 

Yes, I’ve seen the statistics from dating sites too, but what I have found is that men of other races who are not liberal in their dating habits, stay away out of fear.  Look at their friends.  If they do not have many black friends, chances are they haven’t had their stereotypes dispelled first hand.  Because those haven’t been eliminated, they stay away assuming that their odds of finding a “non-stereotypical” sister is like winning the lottery.  It’s sad, but in this age of diversity and multiculturalism, we tend to stay with people of our own race and cultural background (I personally diversify my friendships, though).  It is what it is.  However, in my own personal experience, once these men of another race get to know you, and realize that you are NOTHING like the inaccurate portrayals they are accustomed to, they want to get into your pants.  What they understand of black women, they learned from afar.  Couple that with sisters thinking that they are only attractive to one group of men, as opposed to men in general, you’ve got petri dish ripe for John Mayer-like fuckery.

Like I said in my post on John Mayer at, his response is not really new.  Mr. Mayer is more concerned with rejection.  It is, however, difficult to be at the top of the social “food chain” and deal with rejection, so they invent all kinds of colorful answers and ideas as to why they won’t date black women (or women of color in general).  What I saw in John Mayer’s response is the following:

“I would LOVE to fuck with a black woman.  Problem is I think my penis is a little too small for them, so I just restrict myself to cold fishes like Jennifer Aniston and Jessica Simpson.  If I knew I could satisfy black women sexually, I’d smash!”

I am not a proponent of interracial relationships.  I’m a proponent of black women (people in general, but for the purposes of this post I will go with black women) finding love, regardless of what body it comes in.  We have got to stop believing the bullshit.  Black women, you are loved, and desired, in secret and in the open.  Don’t worry about whether or not so and so will find you attractive, because you are black.  Yes, not everyone has gotten rid of their outdated, preconceived notions, but then again, have they met you?

If a sister is the epitome of the worst stereotypes about us, then she probably will be finding herself whining about being single.  In these days, people lack self-reflection.  However, if you are an independent, attractive, intelligent, active, fun-loving sister, there’s nary a man who would refuse you.  He might play hard to get–hell, he may have to work on breaking down his stereotypes (and that can take time because it’s like frying their wires)–but you will find yourself irresistible to any man.

We are not every man’s cup of tea, but neither are Hispanic, White or Asian women.  Some men don’t like brown nipples.  Personally, I don’t like to see pink ones on women (I don’t care about men’s nipples).  They just look weird to me.  I can’t imagine every man would like the brown landscape of my body.  However, we are quite the cup of tea for more men than most would like to admit or believe.