Masturbation: Just What the Economy Needs

So I’m looking in the classified ads in the newspaper for a job. I figure maybe if I do it old school instead of Careerbuilder and Monster maybe I’ll see something different that’s not listed online. Hey, you gotta exhaust all your avenues right? So as I’m looking at the ads, I noticed an ad for the donation of blood. Great! As bad enough as it is that I’m broke and looking for a second job, some asshole at the blood bank felt the need to remind me just how broke I am. But you know what? The ad got my wheels turning and hence this blog.

Before I go on lemme be clear: I’ve never given blood in my life, and this is not an attempt to get you to do it or speak out against it. Ok? So anyway, I’ve never given blood in my life before. Come to think of it, I don’t even know my blood type. That’s sad ain’t it? I’m a grown ass man who’s been admitted to the hospital on more than one occasion, and hell even had surgery but I don’t know my own freakin blood type?!! That right there I think should be a prerequisite for donating blood. I mean, what if my blood type is the rare kind? I mean if it were, shouldn’t it mean I get compensated properly? Shit, if my shit is rare I should definitely be compensated more than the standard $20 or $40, right?

But see therein lies the problem. The blood banks have been running low for quite some time now. You always hear the Red Cross come out saying that they’re running low. Well, maybe if they paid people more they’d have all the blood they need. Chances are they’d be turning people away, right? Probably not. I say that because I’m sure with as many unemployed people as we have today, many of them are donating blood just for weekly gas money. Trust me, I know a few people who are doing that right now. Matter of fact, I could remember a couple dudes who worked for me in the past who gave blood twice a week just to have extra money when the economy was great. I never understood why because they were living at home with their parents and they made pretty good money. Later I found out that they were stoners who stayed high all the time. I kinda thought that just from looking at them, but you know me, I don’t stereotype people like that.

But anyway…

Having to donate blood because you’re broke, is, and has to be a very depressing thing especially when you’re unemployed. Just the thought of standing in line has to make you feel like a hooker in the back alley putting random penises in the mouth for $20. Yup, it has to be that low of a feeling. But it doesn’t have to be that way. You know why? Because they can do a two for one deal. That’s right, they can make it a double feature. They should incorporate sperm donation at all blood donation centers, or regular banks for that matter. Sure you might feel depressed having to give blood for money just to eat. But I’m sure getting paid to jerk off cancels that out.

I don’t know about any of the men reading this, but when was the last time you got paid to have an orgasm? Probably never? Exactly! Hell I’m pretty sure a few of you have paid another person (i.e. the back alley random penis in mouth inserter) to have one. See what I mean? Thats the reason they need to do this quickly. Not only would it save lives, and there’ll never be a blood shortage, it would also stimulate the economy among other things. There will be a surplus of sperm for all the women in this country who would like to have 14 kids through invetro without having a husband like that part woman part meerkat out in California a couple months ago.

Yeah sucks to be her right? Single mom with 14 kids and no husband? But look at it this way: The sperm donors won’t have to worry about child support, and they can be proud to be called sperm donors other then being referenced as such for being dead beat dads. All in all, there’s nothing like having money in your pocket after having a happy ending; well, that’s unless you wake up after a night of promiscuous drunken sex to find that your wallet is stolen. Trust me, that’s never happened to me before, but I’ve heard or know of a few guys to whom this has once been a problem.

I mean, I’ve read where women are now having to resort to stripping for an income in this fucked up economy. That said, why not g’head and make all banks like the spot for one stop shopping? That’s right, we should be able to go to the bank, donate blood, cash checks, deposit money, and swipe a dollar or two in the crack of some woman’s ass – or man if you swing that way – surely, this would have everybody happy, no? I mean seriously, if somebody thought of this before now, there would be no need for bailouts or even the purchase of toxic assets.

P.S. Here are a couple posts you should visit for a good laugh:

Black Folks Don’t Swim! – Negroes Get on my Gawt D@mned Nerves!

Witches’ Brew – Manic Masturbation and the Single Black Male

Three Ways to Take It – A Seattle PSA: Please Trim Your Hedges

Should you visit, do leave a comment and be sure to let them know that RiPPa sent you.

Have a good weekend folks.