Man beats up his quadruple amputee girlfriend… in self-defense?!?

Look, I make no apologies for my twisted sense of humor. Yes I know domestic violence is no joke, but the following story brought tears to my eyes as I chortled like a warlock in laughter. Oh spare me the dramatics and faux outrage, OK?  I don’t care who you are, or what you think, because this shit is hilarious:

Jacoby Laquan Smith says he will turn himself in to St. Paul police this week for what must be the most unmanly crime on record: domestically abusing his armless, legless girlfriend.

Smith allegedly punched Tiesha Bell in the face 10 times during the March 22 incident and faces a misdemeanor fifth degree assault charge and a gross misdemeanor for interfering with a 911 call.

Bell was in no position to defend herself, being that both hands and both legs were amputated due to a childhood illness. But Smith says don’t let that fool you–Bell is like a handless, legless Ultimate Fighter.

“She’ll swing, push me down and choke me with her nubs,” Smith told the Pioneer Press.

Smith said that prior to the domestic dispute, Bell was cheating on him.

That’s right, Smith was being cuckolded by a quadruple amputee. That can’t be good for the self-esteem.

He turned on the TV and Bell got mad, he says. She punched him in the groin with her deadly nub and then proceeded to dowse him in urine from a bed pan.

Yes, after being cuckolded by the quadruple amputee, she gave him a golden shower.

So you see, your honor, Smith punched the quadruple amputee in self-defense. He rests his case.

(By the way, Bell still plans to marry him. “We both need anger management,” she said.) No but seriously, is this dude really gonna stick to his self defense story? In the immortal words of Jay Z, “We don’t believe you, you need more people.”  Oh, and she was cheating on him? Not trynna be funny, but how much creepin can an armless and legless woman do? And with whom? I’m done; I’m not even gonna talk about the nub to the nuts, or him being on the run; I’ll leave that one up to y’all. But can you picture this shit?