[Editor’s Note: I’m not responsible for any damage to your computers by you spitting coffee or any other liquids onto your screen or keyboard. I refuse to be held accountable for any sudden bowel movements or urination induced by fits of uncontrollable laughter upon reading this post. The woman responsible for this post blogs over at the blog known as Witch’s Brew; definitely a blog you should add to your blogroll. There’s more than one contributor to that blog, but for a small fee I’ll direct you to her. Um, and that might be her in the pic above.]
I have gray pubic hair, yes I do. I know I should be ashamed to admit that but I am not! I’ve earned them and I wear them with pride. I wish I could laminate them and keep it in my wallet to show people when they shove pictures of their mixed babies (mixed with baboon and human) in my face, that’ll learn they asses! But the gray pubes put me in a contemplative state. How is such a hot, fiery, spicy thang like myself still single?? Now I don’t believe in looking for anything, least of all a man but it would be a lie to say that I don’t often ponder this single thing. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so I won’t get into how hot I am but rest assured no one has ever turned to stone looking at me. So yeah I do wonder, “what gives?” I truly believe what’s for you will be yours, no looking required. I thought about it and realized there are many possible reasons why I’m still dolo. So many possibilities in fact that it became necessary to make this a bulleted list:
• I ideally want to be with a single man. Yeah I know, that’s so 1970’s, ya know a single gal linking up with a single guy. Sue me! Label me old fashioned but it’s what I want.
• I want someone who has already done the 3somes, 4somes, or churchsomes (ya’ll know damn well after church folks be linkin up for some group “halley-berry-lu-yer!!!!” time, if you know what I mean????). But seriously what I’m really saying here is please have all that passion for exotical sex outta your system. I love the sex (yes, the sex) just as much as the next undercover hoebag but come on sir, a sista got bad knees! Who got time for all that?
• I want someone who makes me laugh. I know you’re waiting for more to this one but that’s it. The end. Making me laugh will get you very close to obtaining the key to my heart. Notice I said close…. The other part involves a steak, a yummy side of your choosing and some top of the line Indian/Brazilian/Peruvian human hair. Oh yeah, men ain’t the only ones who get weak in the knees over some good ass grub. GET IN MAH BELLY!!!! And well the man who gets on board with me and fully understands my passion for hair that isn’t mine, well that man will have me at “hey, is that all your hair?”
• Now this next one usually gets a lot of thongs and granny pannies in a bunch cause people aren’t supposed to be honest in expressing that they want someone who doesn’t make them squint when they look at them. WELL TOUGH TITTIES!!! I want a looker! Someone who makes my loins dance with joy at the thought of them. You’re supposed to want a person for who they are on the inside right? Well I partially agree with this, if I can’t envision you and your software inside me then your outside does not compute with my vagi-cat mainframe, in essence, we got nothin! Now we all know every persons eyes sees beauty differently but ain’t it funny how the lines are never skewed when it comes to ugly?? Ugly kicks the door down like “BOO YAH!!!! IN YO FACE!!!” yeeeeeaaaaaaa, not in my face homeboy…… not in my face and certainly no where near my love vacuum (the vagi-cat).
• I want someone who will not be up in my muthaeffin face all the time! I mean ok ok ok, were in love, great! Whoooooo hoooooo! And all that, but mofo get an interest! Read a book! Go be a big brother to one of these pant sagging wearing aholes running the streets, become a manicurist, audition for “So You Think You Can Dance” go to IT Tech and learn a trade…… I don’t care what you do but stay outta my uretha from time to time if you want our love to flourish. If I feel like you’re an uninvited intruder in my anus I will start finding all kinds of reasons to throw you back in the water. I want to be loved but I don’t need to be anyone’s everything, that’s the ish that got Nicole Simpson and her boo stabbed 5, 847 times by OJ (yeah, he did it).
• Definitely don’t like “Donny the Downer” types. Man up son! Yes life throws us some frightful curves, I get it, but you are a man! You cannot unravel at the seams. I have a bit of an ego problem and so should he. It’s keeps you self-assured and grounded and that is so very appealing. Even Beyonce knows what I mean….. “Ego so big, I must admit, I got every reason to feel like I’m that bitch!” BOO YAH!!!
• At my age it would prove near impossible to find a man without children ( I don’t have any myself). But please for the love of Eartha Kitt have a mature relationship with the child’s mother. I’m not impressed by comments like “yeah his mom is a biyatch”, “yeah she’s nuts”, “yeah she be wantin me to pay for stuff for the kid,” “yeah she be wantin me to babysit my son too much” and let me just say this real quick (IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO BABYSIT A CHILD YOUR SPERM MADE!!!) it just isn’t! It’s called spending time with your offspring! Ok so basically what I’m saying is I don’t want no parts of a man who’s involved in daily mishaps with his ex over the kids. Now because a crapload of men go through this, this eliminates a great deal of them as options for myself. ***sigh***
• I want someone who isn’t common, extraordinary even. Don’t do common ish like cheat on me cause it’s a Tuesday or have sex with my grandmother on the 1st of the month so you can get a cut of her SS check. Be original, sit me down and talk to me when you start feeling a disconnect between us or when your peen starts telling you it wants to do the stanky leg in other women.
• I want someone who dreams, (not like the 40 year old guy I know who makes collages of magazine pics of women with stank-a-dank –dank asses and b-ball players who thinks he will be drafted into the NBA at the age of 40) someone who is always thinking, “ok I accomplished this, what next?” That’s so sexy to me. Not in the he got mad, crazy stupid “swagger” way (a word I’m starting to detest) but sexy in a “his wheels are always spinning” way. Never complacent.
So in trying to make some sense of all of this I think it’s fair to say I don’t want anything outlandish. So hey! The future is a mystery, I could meet someone today that can potentially be my guy or for all I know I might already know him. Either way, I keep on pressing on. Besides when I really think about it, I don’t know how eager I really am to be a girlfriend… After getting felt up the other day and the catastrophe that nearly ensued when I guess in his accelerated desire for me, dude started attempting to go rummaging through my weave; I’m thinking I might be good. This is imported hur! not that local BSS store mess, no sir! Me and my vagi-cat were too through with him!