If Jesus Had a Vagina: Would She Love Homosexuals, Black Women & Tyler Perry?

OK, so today I have Jesus on my mind. No, not the little brown dude from Mexico; sorry, this isn’t another one of my pro-immigration reform posts you love so much. Instead, I feel like talking about the white, sandal wearing, hippie looking dude – yeah, the wine making carpenter.

So anyway, ironically for the past few days I’ve been pondering this question:

If Jesus was a woman, would she be as famous today as he is?

I asked a couple of friends a few days ago and we’ve all concluded that we probably would not have heard her story. Personally, I happen to think that she would have died a lot sooner than the legendary guy on the cross. I dunno, but images of witches burnt at the stake come to mind. Which is really ironic because if it wasn’t for Christianity there would be no witch hunts.

I mean let’s be honest, folks: judging by today’s standards and structure of male patriarchy, the biblical days were pretty damn sexist. Yep, and women were reduced to property one level up from cattle in my opinion. Sure, there are positive stories of women in the bible, but even they had to, as The Rock would say, “know their role.” And today, this is one of my points of contention with Christianity and the worship of Jesus Christ by believers, and more specifically women. But hey, per the bible Jesus loved the chicks too.

I mean why wouldn’t he? According to the “story”, a woman is responsible for man’s fall from grace with God, and it took the birth of a man from a white virginal platinum-plated uterus, to bring salvation to the world. That being the case, it’s only natural for him to pity the women who threw their panties on the stage at his concerts. You know, sorta in a “don’t worry baby, it ain’t your fault; these niggas ain’t shit and I got you,” kinda way? You know, those black women who are obviously less virtuous than white women; black women who just can’t find a man, so they run to the church like momma and grandma told them to?

Yeah I know it sounds kinda crazy but that’s just how RiPPa’s twisted mind sees it; and also, it didn’t help that he watched this weeks episode of The Boondocks. For those of you who saw it, on the surface it appeared to be possibly the greatest dig at Tyler Perry, who in a few years has become the closest thing to a Black Pope the Negro kind has seen. Before he came along all black church goers did was eat at buffets and get fat. Now, because of Tyler Perry, they can eat at buffets and have conversations about his movies as they get fat.

Yes, Tyler Perry is God’s man in Black America, and don’t you forget it. But like all things sanctioned by God – Catholic priests, the Black church, George Bush, Marion Barry – he’s not above critique. But bigger than him, I think the critique should center on the people who support him en masse; that would be, the black church and black women in particular. If you watch the following video of the recent episode of The Boondocks, aside from the obvious Tyler Perry homosexual subtext, pay attention to the images of Black women. Please do because Aaron McGruder is a genius with this one, and he left me to wonder:

If Jesus had a vagina…
Would women be as endearing to her as they are him right now?
Would women seek Jesus as a therapeutic source of comfort like food?
Would women have a secret desire to have sexual relations with Jesus?
Would they compete as they do with other women for his affection?
Would she be successfully pimped for profit as he is now?
Would the Black church be as homophobic as they are now?
Would all the choir directors in the black church be lesbians?
Would Tyler Perry wear a dress in the name of comedic salvation?
Would Tyler Perry be making movies to capture a male audience?
Would she have died an unmarried  virgin?
Anyway, watch the following video. Oh yeah, and just in case you think I’m totally wrong for this post? Hey, have you ever given thought to the idea that Jesus may have told me to write this to open your eyes? That’s especially if you’re the kool-aid drinking zombie type black woman. What can I say, I’m partial to that minty mango rub down, thing…No Homo.