Coming Out of the Closet: “I’ll Have One of Each Please… Bi Myself.”

by Tracy Renee Jones

During the heated debate regarding the “Single, Black Male in Search of”, Rippa asked the question: How did you and when did you “choose” or “decide” that being heterosexual was the thing for you?

Good fucking question!

Do people actually stop and ask themselves that question? Is there a time when a person questions what sexuality they are? I bet you don’t question your sexual orientation until you do something that makes you (or those around you) question your sexual orientation. I did think about it and came to the conclusion that there is no heterosexual answer to that question.

Or is that just me? I never recall thinking about my sexual orientation as one or the other. For as long as I can remember I’ve thought that men and women are both beautiful. I don’t see a difference between the two, I am visual by nature and attracted to aesthetics. If you catch my eye, gender is never more than an afterthought. I KNOW I LOVE MEN. I love men for all things that make a man a man and me a woman in his presence.

I love a man’s strength, his height, I relish in his firm touch, the way a man smells, and the bass in his voice, and the way his body moves between my legs and on top of my body. I love a man’s hungry kisses and the accompanying feeling of a growing erection through his pant. The feeling of security I have when I around with a man I have grown to trust and respect. The lines and cuts and angles of an athletic man’s body; his natural masculinity makes me joyful that I have sight. I love a man’s man; graceful, confident, commanding, capable and self aware. A man whose intelligent and willing to teach me, argue with me and dominate the situation if I allow him too. I absolutely love men. There is no question about that.

I love women for all that makes a woman a woman; I love women for all of the things that make me a woman. A woman’s body is soft to caress and touch (or at least the type of women that I like is); I am attracted to women that have bodies like my own. I find a woman’s voice is soothing; they smell like fruit, flowers and other pleasant things. Women giggle and are sensuous; women are affectionate in ways different than a man. They’re kisses are softer than a man’s; they’re bodies move differently than a man’s. Women are strong and offer security in ways that are unlike a male’s capacity to do so. Though to this day, whenever I am deathly sick with a cold the only person I want taking care of me is Mr. WGR. Women do everything differently than a man. I love women. There is no question about that. I recall crushing on girls at about the same time and for as long as I have had an attraction to boys. My sexual awareness was concurrent.

So now what? This realization didn’t shock or shame me. This realization did not rattle my world; it’s not a political stance or a deterrent from who I am as a person. I’ve only talked about sexuality with a very few people in my personal life, my fear is not that I’ll be judged. Rather, I don’t feel like it’s anyone’s business what I do in my personal life unless I’m doing it with you. Straight people talk about sex all the time; I contribute to the conversation regarding whatever the gender is being discussed and nothing more.

I’ll presume it’s entirely possible that heterosexual people don’t sit and debate and identify their orientation. But I don’t know about you; all I can tell you about is me and all of the straight women that I have dealt with. As an adult, the more I began spending time in the company of women in general the more of these women seemed to seamlessly fall into some kind of same sex interlude with myself or others. At one point I became self conscious around women because their actions confused me. My apprehension is similar to what I feel around those men who attempt to get next to me under the guise of ‘we’re just friends’ only to spring some hidden agenda on me at some later point in time. Women play the same ‘sneak attack’ game. The only difference is that I am well aware that a man may be sexually attracted to me.

Either as a gender women are terribly affectionate towards each other; or because the majority of my close friends were guys so now I’m clueless when it comes to female social nuances; or plenty of these chicks were eager to turn the situation into a sexual interlude. I can assure you that these women didn’t know of my sexual neutrality; so am I to presume this is something girls do? I would laugh to myself about those few women who thought I was about to become a notch on their bisexual conquest belt.

For those women who knew of my orientation; it never took long before they would throw (not so) subtle hints that they would be game to turn our relationship sexual. I wonder how often this line is crossed under the guise of alcohol and ‘friendship’. These same people will tell you that they are straight; they are biased and some of them even speak out against gay issues to fit in with their religious and social crowds.

Surely I’ve disappointed more than a few men and woman by my elusive behavior. See, when it comes to sex, the one thing that I can assure you of is that I am not confused. Though it may be the current ‘thing to do’ and quiet as it’s kept behind closed doors I don’t experiment with people’s lives and I am no one’s science project. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t smashed your wife or your husband at some point!

I let things run their course at times; the same way I’d play along with a man when I knew dam well it would lead into bed (and I wanted it to). The only difference with me is that I know I’m in a neutral place. Every person I’ve slept with both male and female in homosexual interludes told me and identify to the world that they are straight. The husbands of these women either don’t know or don’t care that she sleeps with women; the wife and baby mothers of the men who’ve I’ve witnessed having sex with other man (and women) either don’t know or don’t care about their mate’s behavior. It’s never been my business; I’ve never been one to divulge secrets and gossip. I’m not one to judge; that’s the affairs of others. I do get a kick out of the “Ha, I’m straight” answer to my question, “so, you’re bisexual?” only moments after having her remove her head from between my legs.

I get invited to join couples all the time; there is just something I don’t trust about a woman who is very eager to bring another woman into her relationship bed for her man. I don’t find the practice to be strange or unhealthy if the motivation of bringing another woman in bed is so that she AND he may enjoy her. Most of the women who bring another woman in bed only do it to appease their man’s whorish tendencies. I get the logic behind being involved in any extracurricular activities your man may want to participate in but you won’t get me caught up in the last inning of a relationship in shambles. When secrets, resentment, insecurities and anger are about to explode I don’t want to be hit by emotional shrapnel. Now on the other hand I wouldn’t object to a situation that involved a beautiful couple where both parties were interested in bringing in a third.

Who do I date? I have dated women in the past and I enjoy it. Though I favor men more; again, I think I just always preferred the company of men. I find some women to be a little more than my sensitive psyche can stand. I do have a very small circle of home girls and I deal with them in small doses. I find women to be peculiar behaving, sometimes shallow and spoiled. I’m a woman and I want to be treated like a woman; when dating people of the same gender sometimes I miss the balance of the male gender role versus the female gender role which is more typical of heterosexual relationships. Of course I could date enough women until I found the right mix of masculine/feminine gender traits in a female. But why do all that when a man is perfectly satisfying for the job? I like my men to be men and my women to be women. I like men and women; each has their place. I’ll pass on the mash up.

I often joke that the perfect relationship for me would be a four person relationship with two bisexual males and a bisexual female. Then we could all have what we want. That’s fantasy land, in real life; I’d like to find a guy to settle down with and make a family. I’d like to be a stay at home Mom, all traditional and shit taking care of my man, children and home. The thought of doing so is by far more exciting now than it ever was when I was young and needed the room and freedom to explore life on my own terms.

Luckily there are many more alternative and open models of ‘relationships’ now; a man who is willing and capable of responsibly handling the addition of another woman in bed as an occasional treat is not hard to come by. Honesty, communication and trust are often what gets pulverized when cheating occurs in a monogamous relationship; I’m of the belief that a couple that plays together, stays together. Being upfront with my wants and needs is key in finding the man who is good for me. The same as we would need to negotiate and compromise life together when it comes to finances, career pursuits, offspring and lifestyle.

Though the general public may think this is all new, open relationships are no more a recent invention than is infidelity. It’s up to the couple to figure how best to deal with a partner who desires an additional sex partner; those of you who are monogamous call this compromise “cheating”. I would consider a relationship with a bisexual man; it affords me the opportunity to share his male lovers if not for sex than for companionship. If he is a heterosexual male in a relationship with me, there is always the opportunity for him to share a female lover with me. As the primary relationship, what I do will always be at the discretion of what is good for us as a couple. Isn’t that what couples are supposed to do? Find what works for them.

I find it comical when women voice their fear that a bisexual or gay woman might be secretly be among them ‘checking them out’, truth be told most women aren’t up to my standards to be chosen as a sex partner. As a woman I have insider information about what a woman should and should not do; you’d be surprised to learn of the amount of women that don’t meet my standards of health, hygiene, discretion, attraction or maturity. Some of these women sleep bareback with men who sleep with the entire neighborhood (bareback); others never take themselves to the doctor and are happy to remain ignorant or are ashamed of their sexual health; others are actually gay women living a charade as a heterosexual to maintain the financial aspects of their lifestyle while their men work and pay the bills ignorant of the fact. For a woman to presume all gay/bisexual women ‘want’ them is just as outlandish and ignorant as a man that thinks he can ‘have’ any female he comes across in life. I’m just not that easy.

See, contrary to what society may think, I’m picky about who I sleep with. Why would I be attracted to a woman if I’m aware that the woman is a closet bigot? Sure, we can do what we’re going to do but it must stay in secret, a shameful act which must be wrapped in denial and lies. What’s desirable about that? I don’t apologize for who I am and I don’t need you if you do.

When I’m in a relationship, I’m faithful. Not only do women not cross my mind, men don’t either (surprise!). Imagine that? It’s presumed that I have double the temptation to cheat and a built in desire for something I won’t have in a man. Yet when I’m happy and in love I think no more about a woman than I do about being with a man other than my mate. Love is love and once I find it I’m going to wrap myself up in it like a comfy old blanket; people can debate what they want while I go about the business of living my life free and clear of self loathing and shameful secrets.

People can keep their opinions and immature parochial point of views; I don’t seek to force anyone to behave or display their most personal aspects in a way in which I find comfortable and so I’ll afford myself the same freedom. If you are of the type that does not agree or does not believe in bisexuality than by all means keep that dick or pussy out your mouth. If you are one of those straight people that goes behind closed doors and puts a dick or pussy in your mouth while vilifying the practice in public than you are no better than a racist that spews hate because it’s popular yet goes home to live, love and exist with the object of their hate. I would rather be able to face myself in the mirror and be free to stand in solidarity with those like me than to fit in with a heterosexual group of insecure, hateful, dishonest, and sexually repressed individuals simply because it’s easier.