Why Are Republicans Suppressing the Votes of Dead People?

The Republican party has a problem with certain groups not voting for them. Being resistant to change as they are, they’ve set out to change the rules so as to reduce the number of Republican-adverse votes that are cast for Democrats. In their version of leveling the playing field, they’ve introduced Voter ID laws in several states across the country. I suppose passing said laws are a lot easier than actually putting forth the energy in an effort to reach out to these groups. In South Carolina in particular, one such group of voters happen to be dead people.

Yes, according to South Carolina’s Attorney General, over 900 dead people voted in the last election cycle. And of course this is a huge problem, because as you know, dead folks tend to vote mostly for Democrats as opposed to Republicans. So in an attempt to counter this “problem” of people voting their self-interest as opposed to that of wealthy people who are alive and well, South Carolina has passed legislation requiring all voters to produce state issued identification to cast votes. This is obviously good strategy especially since there are no DMV offices in either heaven, hell, or purgatory. Without dead voters being able to apply and secure the necessary identification as the new law requires, one can expect less votes for Democrats much to the delight of Republican politicians. Of course this sounds much like voter suppression, but these days you can’t be too careful when it comes to zombies. I mean really, can you expect someone who eats brains to be able to posses good judgement?

According to the South carolina Election Commission, this isn’t as big as a problem as we’re being told. According to their recent investigation, there seems to be no record of dead voters casting ballots; nope, none for the Republicans, or even the Democrats. So why then is the Republican Attorney General concerned about dead people voting? Could it be that like everyone else who tends to vote for Democrats, dead voters are also concerned with living? I mean think about it, there are more dead people than there are living. That said, if you were a Republican politician, wouldn’t you be worried about the possibility of Democrats gaining an advantage by cornering the majority of the zombie vote? It’s bad enough that Democrats have managed to corner the vote of loyal African Americans. If they get the dead people, then it’s hello socialism and welfare forever.

But anywhichaways, the investigation found that there were 207 fraudulent votes cast in 2010 by suspected dead people. Yeah I know, 207 sounds a lot less than 900; but hey, that’s just me. However, at any rate, here’s what the investigation concluded about the 207 “fraudulent” votes cast by dead people i8n South Carolina. Lemme tell you, these dead folks are a indeed a tricky bunch:

The State Election Commission said Thursday that 95 percent of the 207 allegedly dead people who voted in the 2010 general election either were alive and cast ballots legally or did not vote. […]

Of its review of the 207 contested votes cast in 2010, the commission found:

• 106 votes were clerical errors by poll workers – mistakes like marking John Doe Sr. instead of John Doe Jr.

• 56 votes were “bad data matching” – meaning the state Department of Motor Vehicles, which raised concerns about zombie voters, was wrong in assuming the voters were dead.

• 32 votes were “voter participation errors,” meaning someone was credited as voting in an election when they did not, most likely because of a stray mark on the voter rolls that was electronically scanned to record a voter’s participation.

• Three ballots were cast absentee by voters who died before Election Day.

So here’s the question: why create a Voter ID law when there’s no evidence of voter fraud committed by people who are actually alive, or even dead? No really, forget the whole systemic racism and disenfranchisement argument for a minute. Why are we creating laws to suppress the zombie vote when clearly there are no dead people voting in South Carolina? I mean, this may be a problem in other states, but clearly evidence shows that it isn’t in South Carolina. Furthermore, why would anyone want to make it harder for dead people to vote anyway? Life is hard as is; I’m pretty sure death is much of the same. U’m no expert, but it seems like the Republican party should spend more energy and effort in an outreach program to dead voters instead of lying about them. If they did, I’m sure us among the living would appreciate not becoming collateral damage.

All in all, it’s pretty sad that even dead people are being played like minorities by the GOP.