Chris Christie and His Public Mastro-Baton

This takes the cake. Chris Christie used at least a million bucks of taxpayer dough to hire lawyers to tell everyone that he knew nothing about the lane closures that backed up traffic into Fort Lee, N.J… Let me state this again. Christie paid a group of lawyers to make sure they said exactly what he wanted them to say in order to clear his name. This is how the law firm, headed by former Rudy Giuliani lawyer Randy Mastro did it…

IT WAS A CRAZY CHICK’S IDEA: The “report” said that Bridget Kelly, who wrote the infamous “Time for traffic problems in Fort Lee” e-mail, was just a nutty broad who was having trouble getting over a failed relationship with Christie campaign official, Bill Stepian. I guess the break-up effected her so much that she had to release that rage in femme fatale fashion by closing lanes on a bridge. Makes perfect sense! Bada boom!

ANOTHER WACKO CHICK YAWNED! The mayor of Hoboken, Dawn Zimmer, who said that Christie’s people had threatened to withhold Sandy recovery money, was a no good lying bitch, because there is NO WAY she could have been threatened when there is a photo showing her at an event shortly after where she…my heavens…yawned! Wait, it gets worse..she was seen laughing! I mean she has to be an unhinged crazy woman to yawn and laugh after being threatened earlier in the day? Right? Bada bing!

DAVID WILDSTEIN WAS A JEALOUS NERD: The “report” said that Wildstein harbored “bizarre personal and political animus” towards Christie. This is why he can’t be trusted when he says that he mentioned the lane closures to Christie. Wildstein must be so jealous of Christie’s achievements since high school. I mean Christie was a muscular athlete (believe it or not) while Wildstein was just a book worm. Christie probably bullied him and kicked sand in his face. So it must all have started back then and it just grew into something so big that Wildstein shut down lanes, putting his own career on the line, in order to get back at the bloated one time jock. That must be it! Bada boom bada bing!

So Christie is now in the clear. He used money that wasn’t even his to use, in order to restore his formerly good name. He hired Randy Mastro, whose claim to fame was being the guy who told Rudy Giuliani to go on television and tell New York that his marriage with Donna Hanover was over and so he was technically no longer a scummy cheat. This was before he ever told Hanover! Mastro is also the guy who helped Rudy push the mafia out of the San Gennaro festival in New York’s “little Italy” because if there was one thing that New Yorkers were worried about it was that the mafia was making five cents on the sale of every connoli.

Yes, Mastro helped enable Giuliani’s Elliot Ness obsession, someone he will never be compared to no matter how hard he tries. Mastro is also the guy that Chevron hired to help them evade their responsibility to clean up the mess they created in Ecuador. He is a real man of the people… the people with money.

It looks like Hunpty Dunpty took a big fall
It looks like Hunpty Dunpty took a big fall

But Christie will claim he had to spend that money because people love him and need to continue loving him. He said they love him in New Jersey, they love him in Iowa, they just can’t stop loving him and just needed this “report” to not feel guilty about that love. It’s in the best interest of not just New Jersey, not just the country, but the world.

So this is where your money went New Jersey. To pay a lawyer that would sell out his own mother for the right price. Pay him to say exactly what Christie wanted him to say. So that all of those men (and some women) who just knew the whole scandal was the fault of those crazy bitches, or the loser nerd, could have their suspicions confirmed.

Oh and David Samson, the head of the Port Authority of NY and NJ just resigned. 

No matter, Chris Christie just continues his public Mastro-bation all over America.