You know, it was actually quite hard to type that previous sentence out. Over the past few weeks, much has been said about Kendrick Lamar. Whether it be “lyrical titan”, “weirdo rapper”, “confused human being”, or whatever many want to call him, Kendrick Lamar is still a Black man. And being a Black man, he has to welcome much commentary about his actions. Namely, there will be plenty of people questioning and talking about every little thing he does.

Still, I am usually at a loss for words when someone is questioned over their own personal choices.

Kendrick Lamar Believes in Colorism?

Recently, Kendrick Lamar became engaged to his longtime girlfriend Whitney Alford. In an interview with Power 105.1 Breakfast Club, he noted that he is “loyal to the soil”. And you know what? This is great news to me! In my eyes, there is nothing more important than being loyal to the woman that had your back when your top flight cuisine was sardines andramen noodles.

However, there are many of those that don’t share my adulation for Kendrick Lamar’s situation. Rashida Marie Strober made it perfectly clear that she was thoroughly disgusted with his choice in woman:

well, well, well would you looky here! ANOTHER FAKE CONSCIOUS MUTHER FUKER EXPOSED. I will never support him nor his music with one dime of my money and encourage all dark skinned women not to either! [1]

And she was not done after that, either.

FAKE CONSCIOUS COON ASS RAPPER KENDRICK LAMAR PART 2.

I see calling out and exposing self hating fake black men who speak about consciousness but date and marry NON DARK SKIN WOMEN brought you haters to my page. WELL SHARE THIS MUTHERFUKING POST!!! These type of fake coons are the worst of the worst. DARK SKIN is the essence of true blackness and if these fakers were really and truly conscious they would MARRY DARK SKINNED WOMEN!!! You pissed ?? GOOD!!! [2]

Kendrick Lamar and fiance, Whitney Alford

So, what she is saying is that Kendrick Lamar is a “fake activist” and a “coon” because the woman that he has been dating for years is not dark skinned. I take it that we are going back to School Daze when the sorority girls and the regular girls chirped about “good or bad hair”, right? Or are we going to take it back farther with the “light skinned brother” (he’s not black, btw) preaching his Blackness in The Spook Who Sat By The Door? Are we really going to assume that Kendrick Lamar is being color-struck through his love life? Also, at what point was it our fucking business what he chose to do in his love life to begin with?

Kendrick Lamar and Where Rashida Marie Strober Went Right/Wrong

What Strober does help us realize is that colorism is an issue that needs to be addressed. Colorism is a practice of discrimination by which those with lighter skin are treated more favorably than those with darker skin [3]. With roots in slavery, light skinned slaves received preferential treatment. Meanwhile, the darker skinned slaves caught much more flack. This type of treatment has carried on into our societal actions.

Unconsciously, we have either witnessed or partaken in colorism. All of those “paper bag” tests that many organizations and clubs did back in the day? Colorism. Mentioning “Light Skinned Be Like” jokes? Colorism. Showing preferences for those that aren’t dark skin? Colorism. Thus, colorism has been happening without many of us recognizing it.

However, what Strober fails to realize is that she is speaking out against colorism by using its worst aspects. I understand that she is pro dark skinned women. I love it actually. However, she isn’t going to win any fans by going after a man because his fiancé is light skinned. In all actuality, she sounds like a bitter female misguided by her own insecurities and inner demons.

I’m still wondering if she understands that many Black people come in many different shades and hues. But that is another discussion.

I would’ve thought that Kendrick staying with the same Sista both pre- and post-fame would be something to celebrate, but don’t mind me.

— April (@ReignOfApril) April 5, 2015

And then, there is the obvious part: how does she even know Kendrick Lamar’s intent? This is Lamar’s high school sweetheart. This isn’t some chick he picked up after the Dr. Drechecks and dick riding became overwhelming. This is actually the one female that remained loyal through the thickness of failure and thinning lane of success. In short, Whitney Alford is Kendrick Lamar’s ride or die chick.

Meanwhile, Strober is looking like a misguided hater.

Kendrick Lamar Epilogue

I am glad that people like Strober work hard to eradicate the effects of colorism. However, using “reverse-colorism” isn’t the way to defeat it. At the end of the day, Black is beautifulin all of its different shades. Being dark skinned is not better than being light skinned and vice versa. At the end of the day, the shade of your skin cannot account for the ugliness of one’s soul.

The post Kendrick Lamar Accused of Colorism appeared first on Madness & Reality.

The Austin Institute came up with this well explained, and even better illustrated, video dealing with the “economics of sex”. After watching this engaging and highly informational video, there are about five things that I took away from this video:

The Economics of Sex Is Affected By Birth Control

Birth control has actually made the sexual situation become a more “common” and “casual” pastime. Before, people in serious relationships had sex (marriage, mainly). Now, there is a split mating market: the sex seekers and the marriage brokers. While more men tend to seek out “having fun”, women are usually seeking “serious inquiries only”. Give thanks to that magical pill that kept people from getting pregnant.

Women Need to Have More Solidarity in the Economics of Sex

Market economists do note that women working together will raise the “market value” of sex. Meaning: many men will do more toward what women desire in order to be with them. Yet, men do not. And this is because women, instead of being united, have become each other’s competition. So, what standard can a man expect when they differ among women?

Let us create a scenario, if you will. A man has a choice between dating Tiffany (the one with more standards) and Tammy (the one with lower standards). If he is a man looking to have fun, then he will get with Tammy. Why? Because Tammy is the easier of the choices. And many men are as faithful/dedicated as their choices.

There is No Mention of the Women’s Liberation Movement on the Economics of Sex

The video notes birth control as having a negative effect on the economics of sex. Yet, they failed to mention the Women’s Liberation Movement coincided with the initial wave of birth control usage [1]. The mention of this movement is important because things drastically changed for women. This marked at time where women fought hard to break strong societal chains [2]. And these chains included choices in sexual expression.

The Economics of Sex has affected the Contemporary Man

Let us just put it out there: many men don’t hold themselves to a high standard on the dating scene. The problem is that they don’t have to. If you are a man that knows you will get women regardless of how successful or slovenly you are, then you are going to be apt to applying yourself only when necessary. This says a lot. Consequently, many men have become lax because they can get away with it.

Just goes to show you that people do certain things because they can.

Women Must Uphold Standards in the Economics of Sex

In the end, women need to make sure they are upholding the standards of how relationships go. The problem with this is that there are more women than men. This gives men the advantage of “choice/viable options”. Yet, men will only do what is allowed. Once women set a standard (as a whole), then there is no choice but to follow suit.

This movie was enlightening and informative. I was enlightened to learn about how the economics of sex would work. This video came to be very informative about the dynamics of sexual relationships. Yet, we cannot be surprised by how things turned out. Thus, this video should give enough information for people looking to make the most of their relationships.

It is all about what a woman wants and needs. After that, the men respond. It is as simple as that.

The post Economics of Sex Teaches Us Five Lessons appeared first on Madness & Reality.

In my opinion it’s truly sickening when you hear members of your own people throw your race under the bus while, in just so many words, tell you how great white people are when it comes to relationships. We all know it’s nothing short of the internalized racism talking, but it still hurts nonetheless that some blacks show their adoration for whites given the less-than- civil and mutual history between the two racial groups due to that little thing I like to call white supremacy.

In a little town where I dwell I see a few black male/white female couples. I only saw one black female/white male couple to date. This little down is located in the Deep South, a hotbed of this nation’s overt and chaotic racism for the past few centuries, give or take a few decades. While things have improved between black and white Southerners, the scars of history’s past is still present and their is tension that is thick enough to cut through. Despite there being mixed couples, the disdain is there bubbling under the surface.

However, some of that disdain is not limited to white people. It is also boiling in the hearts of some blacks who are fed up with the men and women of the same color.

Internalized racism is that little parasite inside the souls of most blacks in this country. It is a servant for white supremacy and black inferiority. When it comes to seeking love, it grows strong when it comes to rejections and abuse from the opposite or same sex if it happens enough times for one to conclude that black men or black women, depending on one’s preference, is largely a rotten choice when seeking a long-term commitment. It feeds off of frustration and pain and becomes fully grown when they accept the white supremacist doctrine of dating, black is whack and white is right.

I’ve heard this kind of garbage from a few brothas who were bitter and had access to the microphone and a video camera. They use any chance to bash black women using the same stereotypes whites have used against them while praising white women in the same breath, a sure, troubling sign of internalized racism.

These black men will moan about how black women are too overweight, too angry, too ghetto or too greedy for money and materials not knowing they are playing into the stereotypes of the Mammy, Sapphire, Welfare queen and Golddigger respectively. However, what is also damaging is how they believe white women are sweet, obedient, humble, more beautiful and supportive and that black women should be like them!

It is similar when it comes to some black women. They are fed up with black men for being too weak and lazy (the Sambo), hypersexual, (the Mandingo) violent (the Buck) or into lusting for white vaginas (the Mandingo Tom). So, they will seek the affections of white men out of believing that they are more successful, loving , gentle, protective and nonjudgmental.

However you slice it, it all comes down to the notion that dating blacks is wrong if you’re black yourself, but white people are best – if not the best – choice to hook up with. In a sense they may not see whites as their masters, but as their saviors of love and affection.

There are white people, female and male, that eat it up. Their egos are boosted by this energy of feeling wanted and needed. Their sense of superiority inflates, yet again. And some of them will not hold back in letting members of the black opposite sex know how better they are. In other words their bitchiness and asshole-ness comes out and they flaunt their whiteness in front of the faces of the black community rubbing dirt in their eyes.

Dating outside one’s race to spite your own is one sign of internalized racism. There is no doubt that there are certain black people from Hollywood to around your way that has that white racial mindframe when they seek love and(or) sex. While some may think this is no big deal, it really is.

We do not live in a society that sees who people are past their looks. We live in a society that celebrates and encourages images. Let’s not deny it or excuse it. Our physical outer shells determine your worth as a human being in a world hung up on skin color. It is part of the matrix of whiteness people of color live with, and it is hard to avert your mind from it when it is constantly around you.

Some may argue that there are people who truly love their significant others, and the fact that they are of another color doesn’t matter to them. That may be true – for some. Yet, it doesn’t cancel out that there are some black people who date white people because they are…white. Sure, let’s talk about interracial love, but let’s not ignore the elephant in the room. What kind of love is sought when an individual is suffering from some possible form of self-hatred?

The post Interracial Dating: Looking For Love In All the White Places appeared first on Madness & Reality.

When you are growing up you do a lot of things without the use of definitions. Unlike adults who have been conditioned to think in boxes, young people are free to be and feel however their body’s tell them to. One can move about life as close to their innocent selves as society will allow them to be, yet the wrong move, in the wrong environment, will bring in the integration police, and they will punish you for being unlike the others.

You are unacceptable and you didn’t even know it

Later on, after the realization that boxes exist you have a choice to make. And plenty of people take this time to re-evaluate how they will allow society to view them. The feelings that cause them to be different or out of the ordinary don’t really go away, but the social ques apply enough pressure to ensure that whatever part of you that is unacceptable should be cut off from existence for your own good. However, they leave out the fact that your conformity helps them to maintain a lie that you weren’t a part of when you were just being yourself.

High school is where bad and good habits emerge, and for some people, like me, it can start even earlier than that. Though I didn’t think it strange or immoral of me, I found my affection for humans to be equally applied to both males and females. And I’m not sure anyone other than my playmates even knew that I was involved with my first boy/girl love affair in kindergarten with an African-American boy named Lemont. At about the same time, I had also become the female muse of a red-headed girl at my church who was almost the same age as I.

I was excited to go to school prior to developing my two love affairs but the excitement of seeing my favorite people, both boys and girls, six days out of a week, kept me enthusiastic for school in a way that I still enjoy to this day. I find the most amazing love affairs, both real and not, that could appropriately be carried out in the pursuits of higher learning, work groups, and other mental meetings of the mind.

Intelligence is very attractive to me, and so sitting in a room full of mentally competent people of all shapes and sizes offers me the chance to mind fuck an entire room of people even if I never vocalize or reveal my tangent interest in a person. Few things are as erotic to me as a human being; the sound of a woman’s voice while reading a loud in class, the implications of the stories chosen by men who do not socially speak to women who are not of their tribe/family/clan/religion to present to a creative writing class, the body smell of an Egyptian man.

As a young person my romantic relationships were simply like everyone else’s, personal and only defined by my understanding of what was going on between I and another person. We had amazing conversation, or shared a deep involved interest in somethings others considered mundane and obscure. We shared food from each others hands, clothes from each others closets, whispers of secret pain, bad habits, good advice, and, above all else, we shared deep affection for each other.

Early teen dating and the lack of value of exclusivity

The people who were important to me were called simply, ‘friends’, even though many of us, male and female, carried on both sexual and romantic relationships with multiple people in the group. When a male or a female would partner off with one person, and then partner off with another person at another time, and then express anxiety about having to choose between the two, it seemed like a great solution when we would later come to find out that MFF relationships had developed.

I learned that being a woman who loved a man, along with another woman whom I also hold friendship love for, increased each person’s opportunity to give and receive what it was that we were looking for from someone already familiar, and trusted. Our initial chemistry existed, that’s how we became friends, but we were taught that there were things called ‘boundaries’. And that the word boundaries must be implemented when we use the term ‘friend’, because society has taught us that ‘lover’ deserve the sexual you and friends deserve the rest of you. Had we not done what we’d done, we too, would have no idea how much of a lie this is.

To the outside, it would be easy to dismiss these type of arrangements as promiscuous, back stabbing and filled with jealousy. With three people, there is always the chance that someone will be ‘left out’, but when your day includes you and people who you would still be in contact with otherwise, it becomes harder to make the argument that a romantic relationship has to be separate and above that of the love found in friendships.

Companionship, friendship, and support were already something we were enjoying with each other as members of a tight-knit circle of friends. Adding the romantic aspect of it seemed to make so much sense, and once negotiated and accepted by the other members of the group, partnering off became something more and more of us began to do.

Cheating and what that meant to me

Can you define the word ‘cheating’ for me, please? Of course, we can all Google an appropriate set of words to convey what it does and does not mean to cheat on a partner. But what about those times when one does everything else but physical, and yet an emotional relationship develops, is that still considered cheating? Some would agree it did.

But what if you can love without touching? Desire without boundaries? What of the people whose hearts need more love, of different kids

Self reflection and focusing on my needs I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not specifically focused on a monogamous relationship unless it can exist as a primary. I would love to find a relationship that included other females to . When a triangle works, it’s a great thing, when groups of sane, responsible and open love people get together, it’s even better.

Though capable of settling into a spur of the moment situation, I’m not a swinger by nature. and I’m definitely not interested in anything remotely resembling a casual hookup with a person I am not familiar with. That doesn’t mean I won’t be nearby to watch, or participate some other type of way, I’m just clarifying that the random sex and hookup culture isn’t something I am a part of.

What this means for my dating partners

Sure, under certain circumstances, anything can happen but for the most part these additional people are more of an indulgence than a routine occurrence. Being sexually free doesn’t equate being sexually available to anyone and everyone. Just the opposite, I’m very careful of the people I interact with romantically, because at some point I’ll be introducing him (either in person or concept) to my primary men. And if any of them disapprove of him, I can’t promise that I won’t take that into consideration.

The post Polyamory: The Word That Finally Defined My Personal Life appeared first on Madness & Reality.

CORSET is the go-to magazine for all things sexuality. We embrace human curiosity. We honor sensuality. We celebrate sex. And we want you to join our movement.

So with that, I packed up my proverbial bags and headed on over to sign my professional life away. I have been working with a photographer for the past several month on creating what I hope to become a lesson in observation of erotic nudes of Black women.

We shot some images, I wrote an article and actually used spell check and read that bitch for errors twice and BAM!!

[imagebrowser id=4]I have been looking at porn since the age of nine and fighting the stupid ass conservative opinions of the Blacks I was unfortunate enough to have been raised around since I could form words (true story!).

We’ve never been on the same page, as I, a sexually enthusiastic and curious sort wouldn’t be made to feel ashamed of something that bought me and other people so much pleasure. They were talking, but I wasn’t paying that shit NO attention no matter how bad they felt at the fact that I wouldn’t feel bad about myself.

Physical interactions are like gifts to me, just think of me as a woman that naturally liked to give ‘feel goods’ to whomever I choose.

Overall, the response to my work has been very positive. I’m receiving emails and Facebook messages from my conservative Christian friends who wish they had the balls to do it. Much of the feed back has been that its about time for black women to enjoy self motivated boldness.

Trills Smith, my photographer always delivers images that are both tasteful and intriguing. I can explain any variation of sexual irony in society or sub-culture details and he gets it whether he’s personally invested in my topic or not.

What’s even more interesting is that we’ve got a decade of age span between us and we’re both growing as students of life through our work as photographer and subject.

His insight, comments, and questions are teaching me about myself, subjectively. And I’m sure he’s leaning a thing or two from the crazy shit that I’ve been throwing at him these last few months. We deliver sex and sensuality but if you only knew what goes on behind the scenes.

But they do say laughter is sexy….so…

Of course it would take a wandering Facebook voyeur who doesn’t know me very well to have the nerve to inquire about the well being of my daughter or any ‘children’ of mine (Ha!) who may see this in the future.

I’m concerned about their concern over my display of sensual thumb sucking and how it may affect the morality and future good social graces of my decedents.

So, how does my daughter feel about her mother’s blatant sexual display……?

She’s proud of me because I am ‘a kick ass sex positive Mom’ and my picture is ‘cool’.

She did blush momentarily. I did too, how audacious, right!?

Obtaining the cover of an international magazine is indeed, cool, but having a daughter who understands why I do what I do is even cooler. Having an adult daughter who is sexually freer and more knowledgeable than I was allowed to be is absolutely priceless.

Grab your copy of the upcoming Corset Magazine: The Oral Issue before it goes on sale July 1 and get a second past or future issue for FREE. Find out what I have to say about Oral sex, bask in the glory of several full color visual photo spreads and thigh clenching articles that will make you re-think the meaning of having a filthy mouth.

The post Kids and Sex: How My Daughter Feels About My Sex Work appeared first on Madness & Reality.

I was met with the typical response from some commenters that sexual ambiguity is a deal breaker and how can one be sure they shared similar values if the other person is ‘like that’. People are hilarious sometimes, especially when I think of the amount of people who are married to what has recently been identified to me as a ‘beard’.

“Beard is a slang term describing a person who is used, knowingly or unknowingly, as a date, romantic partner (Boyfriend or Girlfriend), or spouse either to conceal infidelity or to conceal one’s sexual orientation.”

Now I don’t mean to be mean or anything, but I do find it peculiar that I am personally aware of waaaay more marriages where one partner is perceived as ‘‘questionable’, than I know of married couples where one spouse openly identified as homosexual, though married to a heterosexual.

I’m not saying that couples have to openly affirm their sexual orientation to society, but its not like people aren’t confused when these relationships are vigorously presented as simply a case of ‘boy meets girl’ when the boy in question has never, ever, ever been interested in girl until he decided to marry —->her.

Dating and marrying a thirty year old virgin doesn’t make a man special. Though some would love to think their un-tampered with unicorn’s lack of interest in mating with men before them, just meant they were waiting for ‘the one’ and he thinks she’s that “one”.

I’m not talking about the sexually conservative, or strict religious followers, I’m just talking about what I consider average peculiar behavior.

Arranged marriages and marriages of convenience are nothing new, but since we’re out here promoting marriage as a willing union and not as a business deal what is to be said about those using marriage as a front to hide their sexual orientation?

Everyone asks questions regarding the sexual orientation of one partner or the other; teachers and other family associates inquire as to the gender identity of the parent and at some point in time everyone begins to wonder what the REAL deal is.

While I have no problem with any couple (gay, straight or mixed) that marries for the sake of wanting to be together to take on life as a team what I do have a problem with are people who feel that it’s okay to front for the sake of saving face.

One partner marries someone whom they know could never love them the way they want but they are still willing to take a fraud of a relationship in order to feel special. One partner may sit idly by while the other partner continues to maintain their REAL romantic relationship with a same sex partner who they call their ‘best friend’. Yes, the bills are paid, the family piles into the car to attend church on Sundays and the portraits do look amazing but is this how you saw your marriage?

Surely this satisfies the requirement for some people’s definition of marriage but pardon me if I want more. Using a person as a front is selfish and cruel; allowing yourself to be used as a front shows desperation. Unfortunately, your willingness to be a tool won’t barter you the love you seek.

I’m not a witch doctor hunting down the mythical DL brothers because that facet of life is merely a half truth at best. But just as much as a man or woman has to be willing to lie and deceive others regarding his/her sexuality he/she must also have a partner who is willing to eat those lies and lick the bowl clean. If the wedding ring is more important than being able to look yourself and your spouse in the eye then the marriage isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.

You may say these unions are no one business but their own…I disagree.

I do know White couples, Asian couples and some Middle Eastern couples who are married to a homosexual partner in spite of the variation of sexual orientation. They have chosen to live their lives this way for their own reasons, but what I do see is that they care about each other and their relationship is authentic, as it should be.

With the shortage of Black male dating prospects out here I’m sure there are plenty of women who would be willing to look the other way and forgive past transgressions for a man who was willing to ‘get saved’ and change his body language, social circle and friends in order to give a respectable “go” of the marriage.

But how many of them would marry a plain old bi/gay male who was willing to do the same thing but for change his orientation and sexual identity……not many I bet.

When little potential future homosexual children seek examples of who they will be when they grow up it saddens me to know the amount of people out there who are willing to lie and let lie rather than those willing to accept their authentic selves and each other.

With no space to exist some will feel forced to fit into roles that require them to wear a mask and there will be those heterosexual people right there ready for them when they do.

The post Gay People DO Get Married: The Curious Case of the Beard – When “the Gays” Marry Straight People appeared first on Madness & Reality.

The concept of agreeing to disagree, respectfully, seems to get lost in translation whenever the issue of interracial dating and intra-racial relationship preferences come up. It’s an issue that cause folks to get hot under the collar – or nether regions depending on the tone of the conversation- but one thing is for certain; Black men and women have a lot to say and more often than not, when exchanging their feelings with one another, it almost always disintegrates into a barrage of hateful name-calling, revelatory statements that suggest an underlying feeling of self-loathing, and in some instances blatant repudiation of the entire Black community, as one Haitian-identified female commenter seemed on the cusp of doing in the comments area of a controversially written article– but not before suggesting that all the “best” and  “highest-quality” Black women are in interracial relationships, which leaves behind the lowly “welfare queens” for Black men to pick over like carrion, which is why they’re supposedly bitter “thug kings”… as she so eloquently put it.

Learning the art of building over such matter- living and letting live– would be the ideal way to engage one another about dating preferences, but that seems too fundamental for some folks to grasp; as being as histrionic, nasty, and complicated seems the way to go when fumbling to relate and understand one another.  Some Black women and women who are particularly emphatic when writing (speaking, or rapping) about their dating choices don’t seem to be genuine in their intentions, as the tone of their argument tends to be quite pointed and politically charged, as if they’re using their relationships to create platitudes about one another and the community as a whole. To be completely frank and based on what I’ve  read,  lately much of the vitriol has come from a collective of Black women who are seemingly harboring hurt and resentment from prior dealings with Black men (and some Black women) despite proclamations of feeling empowered and free.  And they appear no different than Black men who invoke the same type of rhetoric.

I actually just learned about the term “DBR” and have read venomous words hurled by Black women at other Black women: Stupid, weak, fat, welfare-queens, and DBR enablers, or as another Black female forum commenter termed “Black male-identified, Black men in disguise”.   Reading the comments of that one particular article that prompted this post– and there were hundreds – made me feel a bit sullen and caused me to wonder; when exactly did it come this dysfunctional between Black men and women, that we can’t build about relationships, and respect one another’s choices without the hate? I know the overall relationship between many Black men and women has been tenuous and the cracks gradual, but when did the divide between us become so expansive?

There were no clear winners between the dervishes of insults I read, but one thing was for certain… The whole conversation was a complete mind-fuck… a nasty, sweaty, stinky, undulating orgy of foolery which unfolded in a dank, dark room where everyone got screwed, but no one reached the throes of ecstasy or climaxed to completion.

I’ll never understand why the topic of interracial dating has us (the Black community) at such odds with one another when we could be building about so many other things; or why some folks profess to be so happy with the freedom to love on who they desire, yet are so pressed by who someone else is sleeping with or what other folks are saying.

Why can’t people just genuinely date how and who they want to date, without an agenda behind it? Moreover, why can’t people who made the dating choices they believe works for them and their lives, leave other folks to their own dating devices and not try to proselytize or project their preferences onto others? Belittling other Black women and calling them “welfare-queens” because they’ve opted not to try “something new” and suggesting that they lack femininity because they want to date on their own terms as well, is not productive.

People who are genuinely empowered, free, and secure with their personal choices (dating or otherwise), don’t need to indulge in asinine mud-slinging. No other community of people (to my knowledge) have knock-down, drag out cyber fights about how much better they think they are, because they’re dating outside of their communities or because they have a white/racially ambiguous boyfriend or girlfriend.

True freedom is extending yourself and connecting in genuine ways, being able to simply date (like an adult) and function within your relationship without needing validation. To be truly empowered and emboldened is to think and engage critically and independently, without the need to destroy or wreck shop. Of course this involves parting ways still having mutual respect for one another, even if you don’t entirely share the same sentiments about certain things. Folks have got the game all twisted.

Also read:

Think Like a Foolio, Date Like a Dummy…

The post Relationship Follies: When Interracial & Intra-racial Preferences Collide appeared first on Madness & Reality.

Several frustrating incidences led up to yesterday, I haven’t spoken to any of my friends for days and I needed to laugh and connect with someone other than my daughter.

Besides, long and animated conversations are the basis for where profound knowledge can be found, and it often happens in a vacuum of opportunity. Freezing on the porch while waiting on maintenance men offered such a recipe.

If you don’t believe me then you must have never had a wise neighborhood bums or prophetic heroine addicted teenager drop some heavy knowledge on you with a few simple words during some random verbal exchange.

Dude is a father, though he looks young, he’s not much younger than I am.

He mentioned something about a boy who was walking across the street with un-kept hair. My friend commented about how he would never be outside looking like that even at the boy’s young age. Regardless of whether he had a fresh haircut or not my guy insisted that his mother instilled in him a notion that he must look presentable at all times.

Vaseline and a brush is all it takes to clean up a little. Just because you’re a man doesn’t mean you can’t do the basics. Especially a Black man, because some people expect Black males to be wild and un-kept and I love to disappoint them

After a few more cigarettes and trips in and out of both of our apartments while we assessed the continuing water damage we then settled on the business of Black relationships.

I found my new partner to be insightful and honest. He was forthright with plenty of information, some of which was whispered in my ear as a discretion to the girlfriend who remained inside.

His responses to my deepening questions delighted me; he showed himself to be a practical, and confidently arrogant. He told me the ways in which he worked at instilling a sense of self pride and determination in his pre-teen son.

At one point during the conversation he said something that caused me to respond with ‘more please’.

There are Black men out here with a sense of responsibility to others besides themselves. I learned very early on that my behavior is a choice and once I knew that my world became a much larger place. The same way these kids think this is all they can be; I teach him to be like nothing he’s ever seen. Limitless”

We turned to the subject of dating and the ways in which people mindlessly choose partners based on everything else but expectations, needs and wants.

Any person should date several people, and just have fun with it.

Let them know what it is that they need to do and what you expect from them and see how they satisfy that request. Any person that knows and chooses to not adhere to whatever it is that you are asking isn’t on your team, so now a decision has to be made. If they can’t do simple shit then how do you expect them to do hard shit later on?

I laughed and nodded my head in agreement, as I’ve been out here newly single, the relationship that I left is surprisingly on life support. Somehow the dead was revived but I fear that this may only be a reanimation of our past.

I’ve stated my wants, my expectations and my needs and realize there is something that needs to be done in response to this lack of them being met, but I am not yet ready. And so I light another cigarette and continue to listen and banter.

“Regardless of whether its a male or female, most people want two basic things in the opposite sex. Friendship and Fucking. If you have those two things… any relationship stands the chance of turning into a healthy long term relationship.”

My friend, like I, says he makes no determination to a premeditated status of the people he sees when he’s single. He sees any woman who he likes and enjoys and who reciprocates the feelings, at the very least. From there she can go up, sideways or backwards.

I never understood the logic in dating a ‘certain type’ of man for a partner and ‘another type’ for screwing and then restricting the potential of each relationship to only go there.

People are not cars, you cannot make them get to a destination, they have to already have the place circled on their own map.

Encouragement is one thing but I can’t, for the life of me, see how some people latch onto an ideal of what another human should be for them without taking into consideration if that person is both able and willing to be that.

I deal with each man on equal footing, with the opportunity to move forward or in reverse, hyper speed or slow depending on the circumstances and how well he satisfies my needs and wants.

My expectations are my expectations and anyone unwilling or unable to meet those expectations is simply not worthy of MY consideration.

Friendship and fucking are the basics of my relationships. And you can clutch your pearls all you want but quiet as it’s kept, I would still friend and/or fuck, most of my exes.

I liked them as people and enjoyed them in bed. I’ll wager they feel the same way.

Had each person NOT satisfied Friendship and Fucking then we would have never become ‘a relationship’ regardless of their looks, money, career, availability or willingness to appease or pursue me.

Though the dynamics of ‘us’ didn’t work out, we started out on strong footing, and so our fall from the heavens is often not so vicious that we cannot remain civil, or even emotionally connected and sometimes we even still yearn for the comfort of one another.

This made me think of the amount of people that I know whom are married or in long term ‘stable’ relationships and not friends with their partners.

They tolerating each other, mechanically parenting children and calling it a life.

The men that go home to women because she remains a dutiful housewife as she silently complies with the room and board arrangement. He may fuck her because she’s a warm and ‘safe’ hole for him to enjoy; this feels like maintenance sex. I been there and did that and it’s not a good feeling.

What of the women that dislike the men that they climb in bed with each night for reasons to numerous to mention here? You screw him and hold him forth on your arm but you have no respect for him, you don’t know him and you don’t like him.

But he is yours and so you work that angle to society for whatever benefit if affords you.

I thought of all of the people I know personally who are in loveless and sexless relationships bound by a document and ring ceremony.

How many of you out there can’t recall the last time you slept with your spouse or partner? How many of you can’t recall the last time you jumped your people’s bones like bees to honey suckle?

What’s worse……having a partner that doesn’t like you like that but who will grope for you in the darkest hour?

Or having a partner that barely communicates with you at all while your watch the back of their head leave the room or the home…yet again?

Friendship and Fucking…..Basically

Namaste, Mother Fuckers….

The post Friends With Benefits: How Some People Overlook the Basics appeared first on Madness & Reality.

I think all young girls have an arsenal of reasons they offer to those guys trying to convince them to have sex on the various reasons to why it is they can’t don’t want to have sex.

*Kissing/tussling*

*Clothing removal/bare skin action*

*Heavy breathing/hand movement in downward direction*

>>>>The record comes to a screeching halt<<<<

Him: “What’s wrong?”

Me: “Nothing.”

Him: “Okay, did I do something wrong?”

Me: “No…I…have my…..er…um…..I have girl problems”

Him: “Girl..problems”

*I shuffle my feet and blurt out*

I HAVE MY PERIOD!!

*hangs head in defeat*

The bad part about this light hearted re-enactment is that this conversation could have taken place over twenty years ago or it could have been yesterday.

My point, is that when it comes to….*clears throat* a woman’s…….period the very discussion of the red stuff causes most women to turn blue. And don’t most men run…away…fast…………? I’ve heard your jokes!

Now, I know it’s not just me and I know that I’ve been conditioned to disconnect and be ashamed and feel dirty. i also know (and taught my daughter) that it’s a natural part of being a woman and it’s biology and blah blah blah..socio-political-patriarchal teachings got my head fucked up and all that, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Indeed.

So you understand where I’m coming from when I say it weirds me out STILL when men want to have sex during my period.

And it’s not like this is a new thing in my life as I have always had the sex drive of a 17 year old boy and was just as likely to have a choice male or two on speed dial for friendly romps in the sheets back then as I am now.

I LOVE to screw…like a bunny rabbit!! And there are certain times during the month when I….*sigh* smell…a certain way or so I’ve been told. Like Sooki in True Blood, I smell, really, really good. I presumed they mean the FDS that I apply in paranoia during this time of the month.

I am soooo hormonal, and even hornier right before my period. Back then now I would often hunt a man down and drag him home to abuse before it’s ‘too late’.

Something about my body feels alive and sensitive and needy right before my period and so I grab a warm body if I don’t already have one at arm’s reach.

Eager to get my rocks off, I’m very aggressive and effortlessly multi-orgasmic, I will ride him for as long as he stays erect. I will use every last sex trick I know to keep him hard…I use him.

I can’t help myself sometimes.

It’s like I’m hungry.

I’ll unabashedly masturbate while screwing him and enjoy every last sensation he has for the taking.

Changing positions, reverse cowgirl, flexing my back and rolling my hips so that his dick beats against my G-Spot….a certain way…at a certain angle….and hope I don’t scare him from coming back again. #VooDooDoll

I do all of this right before my period.  I go into heat before I ovulate and right before my period. Since forever.

My orgasm are so crazy; the spasms relax the PMS ache in my back. I’m tired and spent and more than happy to fold up quietly next to my lover and doze off. As we untangle ourselves from the sheets, it is then when I would see it…..a big red spot that now matches the color of my flushed with embarrassed cheeks.

I’m mortified that I drowned my lover in blood. Even if it’s only a little. It’s an accident I try to avoid; I don’t want to freak a man out though it seems that I’m the one freaking out more than anyone I’ve ever gotten dirty.

I did once do a Helter Skelter on a guy and he did look like he was about to panic once we realized what happened in my bedroom mirror. Considering he had blood on every inch of his face and body I’ll say he handled it pretty well.

Back in the day when I had to sneak around to get some it would always be a big ass disappointment for me to discover my *sigh* period was on right before I was about to jump on some well maneuvered dick.

It way back when that I returned to my lover and offered him the bad news;  me thinking all bets are off..until the one day it wasn’t. It didn’t take much to convince me to have sex with a towel and the promise that he’ll be real careful and not fuck up my mattress. It wasn’t so bad; it was better than that. It was…okay/different/not bad.

And then I met a man who made a point of letting me know that if we moved past the dating phase there was NO NEED to abstain from sex with him because he doesn’t mind a little red stuff.

Which was weird….weird like the other guy who said he didn’t mind if I didn’t shower before sex.

As in, the bloodier the better……if you’ll be so kind.

Then there is one particular guy who comes to mind who not only didn’t mind taking what I had to offer with some ‘sauce’ on the side he would ravish me as often as he got the chance to. I’ve long gotten comfortable with everything else that normally goes on during sex during my period; the touching; the feeling; the slurping. I’m okay with all of that.

We can easily work around the messy bits- towels and a little care can work wonders for such occasions. I’ll fuck you sideways…#nopun

But this on here….he buries his face between my legs with not a care in the world, and not just that one time but every time we managed to get together and I had ‘girl problems’ after that. He ate me like a motha fuckin champ!! Better than when I wasn’t bleeding, or am I imaging things…it was weird. But the feeling of his mouth on me and the thought of how nasty we were being at the moment caused me to come so hard my screams shook the walls of the room. He lifted his head then and grabbed me by my head as he tongued me down…triumphantly?

So something else is going on here besides bath towels, light days and tolerance. Let’s talk about this…have we neglected to communicate with each other in some way about the period cooch?

Do some men actually like when Aunt Flow comes over? I know it makes me feel great to orgasm and cuddle with someone during my period but what you about guys…are you taking one for the team simply for our benefit?

I know orgasms help cramps and my mood, so I’m greatly appreciative of the endorphin’s and back rubs if so. S/O to the homie..you know who you are! 

Answer me people! Is running a red light something that a grown man just has to come to terms with? Or is my friend @trillytrills just a freak? Who knew? He’s seems so innocent! 

How awesome is he to help out women folk with this hang up? Anything that helps people men have better sex and women less stress is definitely worth the efforts, don’t you agree?

So let a sister know so I can get over my OWN socio-economical-patriarchal-Victorian morality ways or at least try to.

Save me while I still have a chance! 

The post Running the Red Light: Sex On My Period? Err, Some Men Like When Aunt Flow Visits… appeared first on Madness & Reality.

Too bad, the young man wasn’t smart enough to keep their little interlude as a private matter in the Real World (not online) and so he decided to upload the video to Youtube where it, of course, went viral.

After countless comments, Twitter flaming, power blogging and an advocates intervention, the two boys involved in the melee were arrested over the weekend for their part in recording and distributing what is considered child pornography. 

*Shout out to all of you losers who actually watched, commented and/or passed along a video of a kid slurping some pissy kid’s dick. How does to feel to wonder if/when the FBI will be kicking in your door? *

Although I am not in defense of the boys actions, I wonder if any of these kids ever heard of the teens arrested in cases involving cell phones and nude picture forwarding. In PA during 2009 two teenage girls were arrested for distributing child porn when they chose to release nude pictures of themselves.

Just this year two Florida teens were arrested for forwarding a picture of an exposed breast. The young man was arrested for possessing the breast picture and the girl was arrested for taking the picture of her undeveloped teet and sending it to the young man.

In general, teenagers sneaking around to have sex is NOTHING new so I wish everyone would stop pretending it is. Yes, ‘back in the day’ girls and boys were less willing to risk public humiliation and ridicule so you had to search out someone who would be down for a little ‘risky frisky’.

Hi, Rihanna….

Those were usually the girls called ‘easy’ (I, myself, prefer ‘friendly’) and the many guys who loved them. In high school less frequented bathrooms were locked or monitored by security (3rd fl, Henry Snyder High School, the female security was on duty but was always in the stall taking a nap).

Stairwells that led to dark private places that teenagers could disappear too were chained off (and so the boys would break the locks with cutters taken from shop class).

Rooftop doors were bolted and set with alarms (that didn’t work or whose wires were disconnected). Everyone knew and no one cares, how do you think the kids get away with this? As an adult, you’re an ass if you think anything improved about teenage monitoring or if the behavior of young people changed since however many years it’s been since you had ‘teen’ on your age.

Yeah, the adults sure did try hard to keep us from doing what they knew we were doing. But who tipped them off?

How did they know many of the teenagers were fooling around? Are we really gonna act surprised now because we have pictures for proof?

BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT YOUNG PEOPLE DO!!!

Teenagers are sexually active the same places they have ALWAYS been sexually active which is in the stairwells at school, in the classrooms at school (according to pictures I found (without looking) on Tumblr), while the parents are asleep, while attending the party, after school at a friends house (in groups, daily!), before school after the parents leave for work, while the parents are on vacation (white parents leave teens home alone and KNOW they are screwing, apparently birth control and abortions are encouraged).

Teenagers find an opportunity to fool around while ‘staying with’ Grandma who is too old and feeble to keep up with them. Grandma’s house was also another favorite of mine. How do you think adults can monitor these teens who move covert with military like precision and the tactical capabilities of NASA?

What type of leash shall we use?

Absolutely none, because where the general public seemed to obsess over this teenage girl ‘giving a blow job to a boy’ they overlook the fact that this is one girl/couple in an act that is repeated daily and throughout the lives of many teen aged young people. This is what they do….and they’re not ashamed of it. Nor should they be.

Let’s be honest, the anger displayed on the internet at the actions of the young girl are only due to her skin color. Blacks are still wandering around in the land of shame and denial when it comes to sexuality and brown skin. The (presumed) female posters charge the girl with getting her just punishment for being ‘a whore and doing that in public’ and the (presumably) male posters condemned the girl for being a ‘whore who knew what she was doing’.

Am I to presume dick sucking is okay as long as it’s behind closed doors? And am I to presume that the males would have been less mean in the online comments if the 14 year old didn’t know what she was doing? There is a lot of misdirected attention behind this situation.

Her actions are the least of what concerns me, the population at large, on the other hand, is what is making me want to vomit.

Yes, the young woman in question should make better choices in her male companions but what about the male’s behavior? Our culture still refuses to treat Black sex (on a whole) as something normal and healthy while also producing, encouraging, celebrating and happily consuming hyper sexual displays of exploitative Black male sexuality.

Let the young people have their risky behavior; let them make mistakes and learn from them. Surely this group has, or has the notoriety of this girl made the prospects of celebrity even more tempting. What girl will top this…or seek to?

Adults, on the other hand, may want to consider spending their time reflecting on what that type of lack they have going on that makes a video of teenagers having oral sex so dam interesting to them?

The unfortunate thing is that the immature behavior of a guy spilling the beans about what you two did isn’t even justified by a young age; I know plenty of grown ass men who are more than happy to ‘run tell dat’ once a woman is kind enough to give them some lovin’.

It’s not like having a Youtube video go viral but the attempt at slut shamming is apparent and plenty of men and women participate in this behavior through gossip, dirty looks and side comments.

It even happened to little old me.

Too bad for him I wasn’t ashamed; and when his boys came at me that Monday morning (Dam! News travels fast) to taunt and humiliate me on the bus ride to work I had no where to run. And since I could run, I fought back by saying I found it amusing that a grown man would brag that he visited a woman and had sex with her. Was it such an infrequent event that for this guy that he got so excited he had to tell everyone? (Not in the least, since he was a “Playboy” and had done this to other women who these guys successfully shamed into quitting their jobs.)

Strange how he didn’t inform his boys that his manhood wasn’t proportionate to his 6’5 and 300 pound frame AND he was ‘done’ about 10 seconds into my kind deed!

After me and the fellas had our little discussion, they never mentioned it to me again, I never hung my head at my actions and suddenly the Playboy resigned from his job and was never to be heard from again.

Still shocked at the behavior of kids? Get over it. The ONLY thing you can do is to make sure young people are informed about the consequences before they click themselves into jail time or worse, a trending topic on Twitter! Now go find your teenagers and make sure they’re not filming a video.

The post Amber Cole: Why Hyper-Sexual Teenagers Arent A New Phenomenon appeared first on Madness & Reality.