It’s quite normal to me, and I have been doing it for years, from my oldest niece who is now 15, through my nephews, age 11 and 8 respectively, and now my own. To me, it feels quite normal and natural. To onlookers, however, I seem to be an anomaly in being a black man who will be bothered with handling a kid. I have noticed that when I am in public solo with my princess – as in it is apparently ESPECIALLY odd to see a man with a girl child who is the age of my baby – people respond totally differently.

F’rinstance…

– people have given up their spots in lines in various retail establishments despite not being asked to

– doors have been held for me despite being TOTALLY able-bodied (note: this has actually been an older cat in a liquor store – a LIQUOR STORE, no less… on more than one occasion, even).

– the random old lady who catches me talking to and playing with her in the grocery store who actually THANKS me for having my daughter out and about with me

– the straightup thug-looking guy who was harder than hell before she smiled at him and becoming a babbling fool, giving me dap and moving along

– the random “we’ll be [place]… you coming out?” text messages where I respond with “daddy duty” and almost 9 months later I am still getting the response “alone?!!?”

Maybe it is me and my commitment to not repeat what that jackass I happen to be named after did (or didn’t do, as it were), which was made long before my child was a reality. It seems that I am often a benefactor of my own push to FAR exceed what are showing to be lowered expectations. On the whole, I rather enjoy the experience, nothing really beats sitting in the living room floor with a 1/20th-size version of yourself attempting to watch Top Gear while she climbs all over and “talks” to you. Needless to say, as peculiar as it may be compared to what my contemporaries are portrayed as in popular media these days, the in-public responses lead me to believe that SOMEONE is buying it and that responsible and present black fathers are unexpected.

Maybe I am just imagining this differently from how it actually is, but it seems that while people might have completely missed me before Ava, seem to stop and take notice, paying positive attention.

Are people REALLY this much nicer to people with kids?

I will be the first to admit that I was not ready for fatherhood and CLEARLY we had no prep time, but I am beginning to think I am adjusting well to it and very much enjoying the benefits of it. I never thought I would see personal benefit from living in the second consecutive generation of “ain’t shit” black fathers, simply by being driven to NOT be an “ain’t shit” black father, but lord knows I love it and my daughter will be better for it.

NOTE: Click here to visit The Black Fatherhood Project.

I know it seems odd and judgmental, but interaction up through the years had so molded my opinion to the point that that was precisely where I was with mine.

[Phlip note – why is it so weird when you have to use the same word twice in a sentence?]

In my quest to avoid only-child ladies, I’m quite sure I passed over a few good girls on the spoiled-brat behaviors of the ones who happened to be the majority of the ones I met leading up to and causing my decision not to be bothered. I am thankful, though, for the decisions I did make and the hand they played in landing with whom I am with now, so all’s well that ends well, I say.

But now I have a daughter, and I can understand this only child thing from the side of the parents. Or at least my side as a parent.

Anyone who knows me knows that if anyone had suggested this time last year that we had a baby on the way, they’d have been called 5 different kinds of liars, and with good reasoning. Lo and behold, on July 15 our little miracle was upon us.

If it sounds like I just SKIPPED 9+ months of gestation in that story, it is because my daughter did too.

The first 4 hours, I was her shadow in the nursery until Katie came out of recovery, at which point I left the baby with her to be fed and visited with by my mom and her dad to go home and handle the dogs for a minute. Back at the hospital, I hovered around the bassinet waiting for this new little person to show me some eyes. The next morning, I woke back up and was back to her bassinet, she opened her eyes and looked at me (or at least in my general direction), all I could do was grin like an idiot and say “hi,” to which she furrowed her brow and let out a grunt that sounded like “hi.”

That was the morning that I can honestly say that I understand the plight of someone who has one kid and stops at that, and not necessarily even from the financial standpoint that these little people are NOT cheap by any means at all. Not to take anything from anyone hell bent on having a house full of children, but it was at that moment that I could not imagine wanting to be forced to share or choose to divide what I felt for Ava at that moment. Never mind that I’d only come to the concession of wanting no more than a hard cap of two kids (yes, I WILL be shutting the factory down at two, simple as that) only within the 18 months before her, but now I was totally fine with the one I had.

Two things I refused to do was (1) to reprise my father’s role in raising kids and (2) to have a daughter and let her NOT have a concise at-home view of what a healthy relationship between father and daughter is. Not when I had encountered droves of women who were completely undatable in any serious capacity due to daddy (or lack-of-daddy) issues.

No, I don’t feel like any kind of asshole because I stopped even trying in earnest to date only children, but turn and give serious thought to stopping at the one little girl I have. I guess the difference comes in the plans I have ahead of us in raising her, God willing.

As ever, this is a statement of my own experience and is applied to my opinion as it relates to myself.

If I’m honest, I think it is the situation as it presented itself that has caused my reversal of field. My little girl is 7 months old, with two teeth, is now standing up and learning how her feet work and her ever-present smile and frequent giggle suggests to anyone whose day was brightened by her presence that she lives in a happy household, so I am pleased with where we are and where we might be headed, with or without siblings for her.

If only she was able to read what’s on the screen maybe she could understand. But of course you know Black 2yr olds aren’t able to read (nor will they ever be) according to those “My Baby Can Read” product commercials. Yeah, all the reading babies are White; no need for me to waste money on that product. Oh well, I guess I’ll take her to park once it looks like it isn’t gonna rain – something that it’s been doing all week. Yeah, forget the reading thing. Just as long as I can get her started early athletically, it should get her a leg up on the competition for an athletic scholarship; yeah, that’s the ticket.

Until this thing on Nickelodeon I haven’t given thought to the fact that kids don’t play outside anymore – my two oldest are 15 and 15 respectively. Which I guess would make this International Children’s Day of Play thing a good idea. I guess we can blame the problem of obesity and the inactivity of our kids to the rise in the number of pedophiles instead of the video game industry. I mean why take a chance on being abducted by some sicko at the park when you can be at home playing video games, right? I mean, who else better to entertain and raise our kids than television stations and video game makers, right?

When I was a kid, we didn’t need someone on TV to tell us to go outside and play. Usually it was the other way around. Usually it was an adult Nazi killjoy who saw to it that our childhood fun idea of playtime reduced to the arduous task of reading a book or some other form of torture. Oh well, maybe they’ll have an International Children’s Day of Reading. Of course you know since reading is “White Folks Shit”, us Black parents will have to figure something else out for ours. Oh well, Nickelodeon will be back on the air soon and all will be well in my house. Yep, Dora The Explorer and her sidekick red Timberland boots wearing monkey friend shall be my savior. My baby may never be able to read, but she’ll be able to speak Spanish fluently.

Personally, I’m sick of seeing and hearing all this negative talk on Father’s Day. Every year I hear the cliché, “Happy Father’s Day to all the REAL dads,” or “Happy Father’s Day to the men who take care of their kids.” This is often I suppose an attack on dead beat dads. Realizing that this is indeed a reality that some women live with, I still question such proclamations. Are they truly intended to “big up” good fathers or to belittle dead beats?

I’ve written a post here sharing my thoughts on this as to why it’s the case; you can click and read it if you like. But it would appear to me that the problem of deadbeat dads is a phenomenon exclusive to the Black community. In my discussion this morning it was pointed out that 70% of our kids are raised in single parent homes where the custodial parents for the most part are female. It was also said that this in itself was the source for many of our social ills in the Black community. But is it really so? Is this truly the problem?

I don’t know about you, but to me this gives off a false impression of Black men. It’s stereotypical if you will. It’s easy to quote that 70% statistic; but it’s irresponsible to not show proof [read this PDF] of recent studies. According to studies conducted by Boston College social psychologist Rebekah Levine Coley, “black fathers not living at home are more likely to keep in contact with their children than fathers of any other ethnic or racial group.”

So I have to ask you as I have the folks I’ve been engaged with: are absentee fathers the real problem? Or is it part of a larger problem within our society at large as it relates to Black men? Could it be just another well intentioned stigma designed to negatively stereotype Black men as being irresponsible without regard to scientific studies?

SUGGESTED READING: Black Fatherhood: Reconnecting with Our Legacy

NEGRO PLEASE!

Yeah I know that’s exactly what you were thinking. It’s ok, I expected you to be in denial. Sure did, even after all those years. So you say you’ve moved on, you’ve seen different guys. Hell, you may even be in a relationship right now! But I know it and you know it; you’re still not over him. Ok, then why is it that when one of your girlfriends mentioned that she saw him the other day you had that nausea feeling in your stomach? That plus you shot your girlfriend that famous Neffie side-eye. See, didn’t know I knew about that, right?

Yeah at the mention of his name you get the screwface. When your kid(s) start talking about him you tune them out. He calls the house to talk to the kid(s) and you treat him like he is a bill collector or a telemarketer calling for the 100th time. You do all these things and I’m here to say that its not healthy. What good is it doing you? Oh and if you think the kid(s) are oblivious to your feelings about him, you really need help.

Look, it’s time for you to get over it; it’s time to move on with your life. You are doing nothing but holding yourself back, literally. I mean hell, he’s moved on. Just look at him in the pic above; he’s happy!! Even though he’s not with you anymore, he’s happy. Ok yeah so his knees are still ashy, but he’s so happy that he and his new girlfriend dress alike. Listen, don’t front and act like they look stupid. You both did the same shit when you were together. And on top of that you wanna make shit worse by hatin’ on the new girlfriend by calling her a fat bitch. Have you looked at yourself lately? Yeah, you used to be his fat bitch, remember?

Look lady, stop torturing yourself like that. Move on with your life, and be happy. Fuck it, call him and wish him a happy Fathers Day. That’s a step in the right direction. Truth be told, Father’s Day isn’t about you; you do not have a penis, or a set of balls – or at least I hope you don’t – so stop it with the “I’m mommy and daddy,” talk, ok? After you call him you’re gonna feel better about yourself. Your whole attitude is gonna change after that call. Hell you might even start dressing like his new girlfriend in the picture above. If you do, don’t even think about trying to get him back.

He ain’t shit, remember?